Blog #301                                December 15, 2022

 

Last Friday night, Carol and I went to a neighborhood Italian restaurant for a pizza and salad. Just the two of us.  We had a lovely time and were waited on by a nice young man named Kevin.  He was so pleasant and efficient and friendly that I was about to say, “Kevin, you’re going to make some lucky girl very happy one day.”  But then I thought – maybe he’s going to make some lucky guy very happy instead.  Or a goat.  How am I supposed to know?  And besides, it’s not my business.  So I just asked for the check.

 

Well. they’ve finally done it!  Scientists have finally proven something our grandmothers told us when we were young – that when you go out in cold weather, you are more likely to catch a cold.  A new study has shown that cold air damages the immune responses in our noses and makes it more likely that viruses will be allowed to grow.  See, your Nana was right.  But, according to science, she was wrong about all of the following:

 

·        Crossing your eyes will make them stay crossed.

·        Swimming after eating will give you cramps and you might drown.

·        Eating chocolate will give you acne.

·        Drinking coffee will stunt your growth.

 

When my girls were young, Carol and I had an African-American woman who cleaned our house once a week.  We called her a black woman then, but what did we know?  Her name was Clara.  One time, when my oldest daughter Jennifer was about five, she was sitting at the breakfast table with Clara, who was drinking a cup of coffee.  Jennifer asked if she could have a cup.  “No, Honey,” said Clara.  “Coffee will turn you black.”  True story.

 

One thing my grandparents said must have been true, that thirteen is an unlucky number.  My Grandfather was triskaidekaphobic, which means (Weekly Word) he thought the number 13 was unlucky.  At Thanksgiving or other family gatherings, we had to make sure there were not 13 people at the table, or my grandfather would get up and eat in the kitchen.  Maybe that’s why he divorced my Nana – she must have been the thirteenth.  It certainly was unlucky for her. 

 

Writing that last paragraph just made me think about something.  My paternal grandparents were Grandma and Papa.  My mother’s mother was Nana, but I don’t remember ever calling my mother’s father anything but Sir.  Never Granddad or Poppy or anything else.  I also don’t remember ever getting a hug from him.  I guess he was too busy counting to 13.

 

I woke up last Friday morning to find that Shakespeare had eaten four keys off my computer keyboard.  He ate the H and the K and two control keys I never knew what they were for anyway.  I was very upset with him.

 

Message from S a espeare:  He’s punishing me by not using the H or K in my name.  He’s also punishing me by not letting me near the computer, which means I don’t get to watch any more bird videos.  I’m sorry, Pops.  I really am.  I was just trying to write you a  appy  anu  a card.  Please don’t be mad at me.  Purrty please!  The quality of mercy is not strained. (Merchant of Venice).

 

And speaking of Hanukkah, I went to a shopping center to do a little holiday browsing.  You know, if you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

It is not Politically Correct to talk about anyone as fat, but I guess I’ve already gone past that PC line, haven’t I?  Instead of “fat”, we invent little euphemistic phrases like, “He’s not fat, he’s just easier to see.”  And in every mall, there are plenty of people who are really easy to see.  I mean how can some of those people be that horribly obese?  I saw one woman so fat, her belly-button didn’t have lint in it; it had furniture.  I saw one teenaged guy so fat, if he had gone missing, they would have had to use all four sides of the milk carton.  There was an old woman so fat that when Columbus discovered America, he discovered her first.  Go ahead, cancel my Politically Correct Membership Card.  As I've grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

 

Last Tuesday I had a colonoscopy.  Of course, I shaved before I went.  I wanted to look nice for the doctor, even though I was pretty sure he wasn’t interested in my face.

 

Don’t go like a bum or be crass

Dress up and look good, show some class

Put on your best face

Even though it’s the case

That they’ll only be watching your  . . .

 

Well, you get the idea. This is my first visit to the G-I guy since I’ve been writing to you, so I guess I’ll have to give this doctor a name.  I’ve decided to call him Dr. Asshole.  It’s descriptive. 

 

I checked in for my procedure and they told me Joe would take me to the room.  I looked where they were pointing and there was Joe, a volunteer only slightly younger than Stonehenge.  With both feet tied together and strapped to a trash truck I could walk faster than Joe.  I could crawl faster than Joe.  Mold could grow down the center of the hallway faster than Joe.  The Arctic Ice Sheet is melting faster than Joe.  I could not stop laughing.

 

I wonder what Carol would have done, Miss Inahurry of 2022.  Yes, the Princess of Lickety Split would probably have tripped the old coot, stepped over him and found the damned thing herself.  And demanded a round table and warm bread.  I love that woman!  The test showed everything was fine.

 

Google tells me there are approximately 15 million Jews in the world, a number which coincides with the number of ways to spell Hanukkah.  Whichever way you spell it, even if you’re missing the H and the K keys, if you celebrate it, have a happy one.

 

Not much funny stuff today, just a lot of stories.  But don’t cancel your subscription to Oyster.  Who else would listen to my stories?  Stay well, count your blessings and show up next week.  Or else!

 

Mic ael                                              Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com