Blog #266                                April 14, 2022

 

Do you lie?  Of course you don’t!  Maybe a little?  I’m told that Catholics are very good at lying, having practiced it at confession since they were seven.  Maybe some of my Catholic readers can set me straight.  My friends, most of whom are Jewish, are pretty good at it too.  We call it exaggeration.  I have made a study of the most common topics of exaggeration.

 

First Exaggeration: Have you seen my grandson hit a golf ball?  Yesterday my Jacob hit a ball, I guarantee it was 300 yards if it was a nickel.

Truth:  Jacob is seven and the farthest he has ever hit a ball is 42 yards – into a hot-dog cart.

 

Second Exaggeration:  I’m going to a new neurologist.  He’s one of the top doctors in his field and graduated first in his class.

Truth:  Dr. Patel Rajmiri was the only one in his class at the Karachi School of Incantations and Pita Making.  His office is in the back of a Lebanese deli.

 

Third Exaggeration: I’ve got a great new sleeping thing for you.  You place a rotten apple under your pillow.  It works great.

Truth: I haven’t slept since the Bush administration.  No, the old one.  And I have tried every pill, powder, lotion, potion, salve, inhaler, concoction and Haitian Voodoo ritual known to man or beast.  The rotten apple doesn’t work either and smells like crap.

 

And speaking of Catholics and Jews, tomorrow is Good Friday, the Super Bowl of Catholicism.  Today is Holy Thursday, the day Rabbi Jesus and his followers celebrated Passover.  That Passover meal is now called The Last Supper.  Good Friday is the day of Jesus’ crucifixion.  It might have been “good” for Catholics, but not so good for Jesus.  Easter Sunday is the day Christ rose from the grave.  Got it all straight?  There’s going to be a quiz.

 

I went to a funeral recently.  As Yogi Berra said, “always go to other people’s funerals; otherwise they won’t go to yours.”  At the funeral I ran into a woman I have not seen for many years.  You know, after my heart problems years ago, people kept expecting me to look shrunken and weak and as dead as Al Franken’s career.  So when they saw me looking fit as a Stradivarius, they would tell me how good I looked.  Well, the woman at the funeral, not having seen me in many years, told me I looked magnificent.  Magnificent!  Can you imagine?  I was really flattered.  Do you think she was hitting on me?  I think she was hitting on me.

 

At funerals, when I hear everyone speak about how wonderful the deceased was, I often wonder what people will say about me.  How will I be perceived and remembered?  I would settle for how Cervantes described Don Quixote, about whom it will be said that if he did not achieve great things, he died in the effort to perform them.  It would be nice if people would stand up and say nice things about me.  Let’s start with the lady who thinks I’m magnificent. 

Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you are all feeling magnificent and getting ready for the holidays.  And don’t forget that Sunday is Blah Blah Blah Day.  I did not make that up.  Blah Blah Blah Day is celebrated every April 17^th to recognize the importance of meaningless chatter and useless balderdash.  Boy, have you come to the right place!  At Limerick Oyster, every Thursday is Blah-Blah-Blah Day.  Let’s get to it.

 

Message from Shakespeare:  Is it not a language I speak? (All’s Well That Ends Well).  I can purr.  That’s the only language I know.  You’d think the old man would figure out what I’m saying.  But no, when I say I’m hungry, he thinks I want to play.  What a dummy.  Blah-blah-blah.  And also purr.

 

Sorry about Shakespeare’s rude interruption.  It was Election Day on Tuesday, and I voted.  St. Louis County, where I live, is composed of over 90 municipalities, none of which, strangely, is the City of St. Louis.  Each of these municipalities had its own unique set of issues to vote on – school board, mayor, sales tax and so on.  The election results are now in.  A Use Tax Proposition failed in the city of Kinloch, where I used to teach High School math.  The vote was 3-3.  That was the total vote – 3 yea, 3 no.  But that wasn’t even close to the weirdest.  In the city of Maryland Heights, the Mayor won re-election to his fifth term with a vote of 1-0.  One to nothing?  That’s not an election; that’s a soccer score. I think they’re planning a recount. 

 

Let’s see, what other blah-blah-blah happened this week?  Another visit to Dr. Retina for some more shots.  Did I tell you he was #1 in his class?  My condition has improved 90%, so that’s good, and the shots don’t hurt.  There are lots of worse things: 

 

I don’t love the shots; I won’t lie,

But there’s lots of worse things I could try:

I could fall from a plane

Or get hit by a train

Or get a sharp stick in the eye.

 

Wait, the shot is a sharp stick in the eye!  Oh, well, I liked the limerick.

Recently, some of my grandkids were over and we were watching a bit of children’s television.  Wouldn’t it be nice if the real world was like the world of children’s TV?  Everyone would be kind to others and eat organic foods and exercise every day.  Everyone could spell in both English and Spanish and no-one would be constipated.  Everyone would have a nice singing voice.  No bullying, no fertilizer, no guns, no Putin, no Covid and no politicians.  

Speaking of Covid, Carol and I have now each received our 4^th vaccinations.  I think they gave us a Frequent-Puncture Discount.

The Weekly Word today is balderdash which means senseless talk, nonsense.  Many of you have described my blog that way. Thanks.  Where’s the lady who thought I was magnificent?

Well, was that enough balderdash for you?  Have a Happy Easter and a Happy Passover and, while you’re spending that time with God, thank Him (or Her or It or They) for all your blessings. Stay well.  See you next week, and don’t forget to pay your taxes.

Michael                                    Send comments to mfox1746 @gmail.com