Blog #208

 

I am reading the Iliad.  Well, someone has to do it.  It’s my “side book”.  I’m reading a regular book (Cider House Rules for the third time), but I always have a side book that I read a few pages a day.  It took me 18 months to get through Origin of Species and about that long to finish Paradise Lost.  You remember the Iliad, don’t you?  Helen of Troy and the Trojan War and Brad Pitt and all the Greek gods who were busy picking sides and helping this or that warrior.   

 

I just read the part where some sexy, minor goddess named Thetis is flirting with Zeus to try to get him to help Achilles.  This is Zeus, the thunderous, all-powerful Big Kahuna of the gods.  Zeus was to the Greeks what Rush Limbaugh was to Conservatives.  Well, sly old Zeus has had a previous tryst with this little strumpet and he agrees to do what she asks, but he’s afraid of what his wife, Hera, will say.  He tells Thetis, “Hera . . . will be at me, scolding all day long.  Even as matters stand she never rests from badgering me.”   

 

This was Zeus’ way of saying, Oy, am I in trouble!  I am fascinated that Zeus, the all-powerful, lightning-throwing Master of the Greek Universe; Zeus who could command every human and every other deity in his world, could not control his own wife.  I’ll bet Kanye West knows something about that.  Kim Kardashian-West has recently filed for divorce.  I think her grounds were that he named their kids North, Psalm, Saint and Chicago.  In a recent text message to her husband, Kim warned she was taking back her old name, not to mention all of Kanye’s money.   

 

I’m going to do all my best

To empty out your treasure chest

I say this with passion

I’m taking Kardashian

But, Honey, I’ll leave you the West.

 

Oy, is he in trouble!  But not as much trouble as Andrew Cuomo, Governor of New York, who has taken a lesson from old Zeus and, allegedly, asked one of his subservient goddesses to play strip poker.  Well, she had a pair and he got a flush.  Between that and the nursing home scandal, the Governor is about as popular in New York as the Red Sox.

 

Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you’re feeling well and looking forward to Spring.  The highlight of my week was changing the date on my watch to March 1^st.  I bought the watch at Kohl’s (I call it my Kohlex) and, although it keeps time accurately, I had to manually spin through 72 hours to get to March 1^st.

 

Have you noticed that this is Blog #208?  Do you know what that means?  Well, to those of you who thought 2^nd Grade was the best three years of your life, let me explain:  208 blogs in 208 weeks; divide by 52 weeks in a year and you have four years of blogging and whining and rhyming and scolding.  How could you have put up with it all?  You deserve a medal.  And I deserve a rest.  But I, your indefatigable correspondent, will faithfully plod onward.

 

Indefatigable, our Weekly Word, means persisting tirelessly, which I shall.  Last week we had snow here in Missouri, and now it is raining.  Actually, it is pouring – really, really pouring.  I’m about to go out and look for two aardvarks.  I know, of course, that Carol is not going to join me.  She promised to love me in sickness and in health, but not in the rain.  It reminds me of the time we had planned a driving trip with another couple to Arkansas and Tennessee.  We had maps and reservations and everything, but the forecast said RAIN!  My wife had consulted the National Weather Service, NASA, the Pope and L. Ron Hubbard and decided that the weather in Arkansas 96 hours hence would not be propitious, so we cancelled.

 

Thank goodness my sweet wife was not on the ship with Columbus.  “Hey, Chris.  Did you know it was raining?  You better shut this ship up, Little Captain.  Nothing’s gonna get discovered today.  Uh-uh.  I’m not getting my hair wet for a bunch of Indians.  You can discover something tomorrow if the sun’s out.  And by the way, see if you can discover a Nordstrom’s.  These Gucci’s are killing me.”

 

I am very happy to report that Lady Gaga’s dogs, named North, Psalm, Saint and Chicago have been returned unharmed.  No, wait, those are Kanye’s children.  Gaga’s French Bulldogs are Koji and Gustav for whose safe return she had offered a reward of $500,000.  Wow, for half a million dollars, I think Queen Elizabeth would have wrapped up her Corgis and shipped them to Gaga-land via UPS (United Pooch Service).  Actually, Liz no longer has corgis, her last one having died in 2020.  Her only remaining royal pooch is a Dorgi named Candy.  A dorgi is a cross between a corgi and a dachshund.  I had a feeling you wanted to know all this.

 

Message from Shakespeare:  Bulldogs are adorable, with faces like toads that have been sat on (A Midsummer Night’s Dream).  Hey, Pops, if I were lost, how much would you pay to get me back?  I’m waiting for an answer, and remember, I still have claws.  Purr.

 

Aw, Shakespeare, you know I would never let you get lost.  And besides, who would steal a three-legged cat with a bad attitude?  Oy, am I in trouble!

 

And while we’re talking about extraordinary amounts of money, Congress is about to pass a stimulus package amounting to $1.9 trillion.  My goodness!  If we indeed have 1.9 trillion dollars or can borrow it or print it or whatever they do, why don’t we just divide that up among the poor.  It would be enough to give every American living at or below the official poverty line a check for $60,000.  Why don’t we just do that and declare poverty in America wiped out?  Doesn’t that make sense?

 

Ok, here’s a little Pop Quiz (or, as my grandchildren call it, a Poppy Quiz) to see if you’ve been paying attention.  Out of the following – Candy, North, Chicago, Gustav, Saint, Koji and Psalm – which ones are dogs and which are Kanye’s children?   Stay well, everyone, count your blessings and come back next week so we can start Year Five together.  See you then.

 

Michael                                    Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com