Blog #170

Have you noticed how many heroes and she-roes there are out there?  She-roes is the new word we PC fanatics are supposed to use.  Anyway, there are nurses, doctors, EMTs, firefighters, police officers, military – all risking their health and their lives, doing their jobs to protect us, comfort us and heal our pain.  And then there are baseball players, a group of overpaid, arrogant pricks who only care about how much they get paid.  We need our sports.  We need baseball!  It’s our National Pastime.  But are we going to get it?  Probably not, because these tobacco-spitting, gold-chain-wearing, selfish SOBs don’t care about us.  If thousands of protesters can take to the streets to raise this country’s dignity, then a few hundred baseball players can take to the field to raise this country’s spirit

Maybe we should take away their baseball caps and their gloves and give them billy clubs and Police helmets and let them face down a mob of brick-throwing looters for $45,000 a year.  And just wait till football season when they’ll all be kneeling to end the violence right before they try to give the opposing players brain injuries. Where are the Black Concussions Matter signs?  And where is the NBA?  Talk about racism!  Did you know that 75% of the lowest-paid NBA players are black?  Of course, 75% of the highest-paid players are black as well.  The only ones you can count on are the hockey players.  They’ve been hit in the face so many times, they don’t really know what’s going on anyway.  I need to take a walk.

Ok, I’m back.  I feel better.  Sorry about that.  Hi there and welcome back.  Are we having fun yet?  I hope you are feeling well and keeping your sanity.  I must honestly admit that between the virus and the recession and the riots, my mental health is teetering.  It’s probably not hard to tell. 

I’m trying to mellow out, however, because today is our 53^rd Anniversary.  Fifty-three years with my beautiful wife!  Fifty-three years and we’re still talking.  Mostly, my talking consists of Yes, Dear and I’m sorry, but it works.  Plus, that’s why, when I come to talk to you, I have so many words left.  I remember those early years when we would watch programs like Father Knows Best and Leave It to Beaver and I Love Lucy.  Now we get in bed and watch the frenetic*, nightly Loot ‘n Shoot.  There are even new programs on Netflix like The Price Is Riot and Have Brick – Will Travel.  In those good old, old, old days, when the nightly shows were over, we’d get a test pattern.  Now we get a Pro-test Pattern.   Dr. Fauci has just sent out a memo that stores should limit their looters to ten at a time.

And while I’m angry, tell me this: why is there a “d” in fridge but not in refrigerator?

Weekly Word:  Frenetic means fast and energetic in a rather wild and uncontrolled way.  Kind of like how I write when I’m aggravated.

Defund the Police!  I’m hearing a lot of that lately.  Are they crazy?  That ranks right up there with, “Let them eat cake” and “Let’s call it an Edsel”.  No police?  Who’s a young woman going to call when her ex-boyfriend is banging on the door threatening to beat the crap out of her?  Al Sharpton?  Who are you going to call when your car is stolen?  Uber?  If there’s something strange in your neighborhood, who you gonna call?  I’ll bet you know that one.

So, Black Lives Matter – ok.  I Can’t Breathe – I get it.  Defund the Police – I’m not sure they really mean that.  But now they’ve gone too far.  Now they’ve defaced and delegitimized our childhood memories.  Recently, HBO, which airs a Looney Tunes show, has banned Elmer Fudd from using a hunting rifle.

They’re messing with my Looney Tunes now and I’m not going to take it anymore!  And that’s not all they’ve changed:

·        Sylvester can no longer chase Tweety Bird.  After all, Yellow Lives Matter.

·        Stuttering is making fun of the handicapped, so Porky Pig now sounds like Alec Baldwin

·        Speedy Gonzalez is gone.  Racially insensitive!

·        Bugs Bunny has been forced to say, “Ahhh, what’s up, Dr. Fauci?”

·        And, of course. they’ve taken away Popeye’s pipe.

Now Popeye cannot have his smokes

I’m telling you these are not jokes

They took Elmer’s gun

And all of our fun

And th-th-th-that’s all F-Folks.

I had a limerick about Donald Duck, but my wife wouldn’t let me publish it.  You don’t get it?  Well, you’re built too low, the fast ones go over your head

Message from Shakespeare:  Men of few words are the best men (Henry V).  Gee, my Pops talks a lot.  I’ve heard cat food salesmen that didn’t talk that much.  If he would just shut up for a while, there’d be more room for me to talk.  Cat Lives Matter.

Don’t pay any attention to the cat.  I have more to say.  We spoke about heroes before, and currently we have three heroes, American astronauts, in orbit aboard the International Space Station – Bob Behnken, Doug Hurley and Chris Cassidy.    

Many of us have realized that people in other countries hate America, and we are afraid to leave the country.  And now, if you believe what you see on the news, most Americans hate America and we are afraid to leave our homes, so I have some advice for those astronauts.  Boys, as long as you’re up there and the sun is shining, stay there a few more weeks. Nothing good is going on down here.

Except you, of course, my loyal readers.  I know you have to stay here on Planet Earth, so you might as well come back next week and read another blog.  I’m counting on you.  On the other hand, if some guy named Ralph says, “To the Moon, Alice,” take him up on it, even if your name isn’t Alice.  The Moon might be a lot safer than here.  See you next week.  Until then, stay well and stay safe.

Foghorn                                   Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com