Blog #169
I have just finished my
sixth voyage aboard the Pequod. Moby
Dick has prevailed, Ahab is vanquished, the Pequod is no more. “And
I only am escaped alone to tell thee. (Job 1:15).” Please,
don’t ever read the book. It’s a strange
compilation of recondite* whaling minutia and raving madness that would
interest only a very strange person. I
am eminently qualified. Plus, I’ve
already ruined the ending for you.
Hi there, fellow travelers,
and welcome back. Are you feeling
well? Feeling strong? Feeling tall?
When
I was a teenager, my parents’ friends would hold their hands down at my
waist-level and say, “I knew you when you were this tall.” Now, sad to say, my friends hold their hands
six inches above my head and say the same thing. Hey, getting old is easy. It’s having fun while you’re doing it that’s
the challenge.
I got up this morning and read my wife’s horoscope to
see what kind of day I was going to have.
It looked ominous, so I decided to visit the Zoo. I had forgotten that it was still
closed. But it’s June now and the St.
Louis Zoo has set a date to open to the public, complete with
guidelines to keep the visitors safe – from each other and from the
animals. Animals get sick too.
Be
careful when you’re at the Zoo
Cause
the elephant might go ah-choo!
Then
your head and your face
Will
be launched into space
And
your ass will come down in Peru.
And stay away from the
Pony. He’s a little hoarse.
Gas this morning was $1.55 a
gallon. My Diet Coke was $1.09 for a
44oz. cup which comes to (here comes the math) $3.17 per gallon. Maybe I should drink gasoline. Do they have Diet?
Did you know that the
average American walks 1,400 miles a year?
Did you know that the average American drinks 2.3 gallons of alcohol a
year? That’s over 600 miles per gallon. And you thought you needed a Prius?
Drinking alcohol can be a
dangerous habit, as you know. I’ve had
my share of bad habits – drinking, smoking, wearing linen in October, chewing
gum. I still have a piece of gum once in
a while, but I gave up chewing in the presence of my wife. The impetus came one night when I was lying
in bed watching a German soccer game (I keep telling you I’m weird) and chewing
a piece of Trident Cinnamon. I must
admit I was cracking and smacking and making myself thoroughly annoying, when Carol
turned her head to the right. She always
sleeps on the same side of the bed. In
every home we have shared and every hotel room, Carol has always slept on the
same side – the side nearest the bathroom.
Why do women always have to be close to the bathroom? Are they expecting to need an emergency
eyebrow plucking at three a.m.? Back to
my obnoxious chewing. She could have
said, “If you don’t stop
cracking that gum, I’m going to shoot hairspray up your nose.” Or,
she could have said, “Are
you auditioning for the part of a hippopotamus in heat?” She
didn’t. Instead, she sweetly said, “Honey, does it bother
you when I crack my gum?” Well, I gave her maximum style points for
that and immediately gave up chewing gum in bed. See, you can catch more flies with honey than
with hairspray.
The highlight of my week is going to the grocery store. I like grocery shopping. I have a mask and a list, and every time I
find an item on my list it’s exciting, fulfilling. It’s like the last ancestral vestige of
hunting and gathering. Me Big
Hunter. Me go out to provide for
Woman. Me brave. Me strong.
Me bring home can of tuna and an organic pepper. Why am I talking like Tonto?
Message
from Shakespeare: Better a witty fool than
a foolish wit (Twelfth
Night). He may be witty, but he is certainly a fool, isn’t
he? He thinks he’s a
hunter-gatherer? He couldn’t catch dinner
if it walked up to him and died on his shoes.
Weekly Word: Recondite means little known,
obscure, like a lot of the stuff I read.
What else can we talk about? I’m not ready to let you go yet. I’m reading a book now about the future of
genetics. It says that within 25 years, doctors will be able to make human egg
cells and human sperm cells out of normal blood or skin cells. And it doesn’t matter whether those cells
come from a male or a female. In other
words, a human egg cell can be made from a woman’s skin cell and a human sperm
cell can be made from another woman’s skin cell. Throw the two cells into a test-tube, play a
little Johnny Mathis and pretty soon you have a viable embryo. You know what that means, girls? It means you won’t need men any more. And you know what that means? No more episodes of The Bachelor. I guess you women will have to change your
own light bulbs.
This week has been scarred by the chaos
of nationwide protests in response to the disgusting and hateful murder of George
Floyd. It depresses me and frightens
me to watch the coverage, but I do watch, and I have noticed that there are
three kinds of protesters. There is the
African-American Community that wants to change the conversation, change the
laws and change society. Understandable! Then, there is the young, white college-age
group that just wants to scream at any kind of authority. Predictable! And then there are the looters. They’re the easiest to spot because they’re
pushing shopping carts. Unforgivable!
Well, you’ve made it through another
blog. I’m proud of you. It’s a dangerous world out there. Our two astronauts had the right idea this
week. They left the Planet altogether. But you can’t, so be careful and come
back to me next week safe and healthy.
Count your blessings and pray for everyone.
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