Blog #152

What with everybody and his Grandpa running for President, promises, warnings, insults and invective* are flying around like green hair at the Grammy’s.  And one of the more popular forms of entertainment is to accuse drug companies of being greedy, manipulative corporations.  Well, they are, but somehow these terrible Machiavellian drug behemoths have invented Lipitor which keeps my arteries from clogging, Carvedilol which keeps my heart from dancing the cha-cha and Zoloft which keeps all of us from ramming a 7-iron down our throats.  So I have some appreciation for their skills.

And anyway, greedy, manipulative corporations are what Capitalism is all about.  Apple is a greedy, manipulative corporation.  So are Netflix, Verizon, Starbucks and Amazon, and they all have made your lives better.  And come to think of it, McDonald’s and Coca Cola are too.  And Spotify.

Spotify is a music app which allows you to download your favorite songs.  Spotify now has a service that puts together song-lists for your pets.  Yes, your dogs, cats, lizards, hamsters and even tropical fish.  I wouldn’t make this up, you know.  Included in the list for your dog’s entertainment are songs by Joe Cocker Spaniel, The Beagles and Sonny and Shar Pei.  Favorite numbers are Hotel Collie-fornia, Let It Bichon and Bark the Herald Angels Sing.  They also have a list of books about your pooch.  One is a handbook to canine coloring called Fifty Shades of Greyhound and another about what dogs to give as gifts, called I Don’t Give a Shih Tzu.

Ok, now we’re warmed up.  Hi there and welcome back to – whatever this is.  It’s February and I hope you’re staying warm and feeling comfy.  Did you have a nice Groundhog Day?  The event, which occurred last Sunday, marks the annual emergence of the country’s most famous woodchuck or groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil.  This year, Phil exited his burrow, watched the halftime show of the Super Bowl and got so excited he was unable to squeeze back into his burrow for two hours.  He now calls JLo his Woodchick and Shakira his Ground-Ho.

I’m Phil and I’m from Punxsutawney

A groundhog who’s scratchy and scrawny

Don’t care if it’s sunny

I just need a honey

‘Cause, brother, this woodchuck is hawny.

If you are reading this on Thursday, February 6, then you will find me in Naples, Florida on the second leg of our America’s Guest Southern Tour.  Our first stop was Long Boat Key where Frank and Suzy were great hosts.  Thanks to both of them.  I almost wrote “Suzy and Frank”, but Carol wasn’t looking so I decided to put the man first.  She’ll scold me for that.  I’ll be in more trouble than the guy who designed the Iowa Caucus.  I think his name was Edsel.

On the drive down, we listened to Dr. Laura for four hours.  You know Dr. Laura – the radio psychologist?  Here’s how a typical call-in goes.

Caller:  Hi, Dr. Laura.  I’m so excited to talk to you.  I love your show.

Dr. Laura:  How can I help you?

C:  My sister is dating a drug addict . .

L: STOP!  Your sister is stupid and you are stupid for caring about her.  Your mother is stupid for raising two stupid daughters and your children, if you have any, are stupid because they have you as a mother.  If you don’t have any children yet, I will personally pay to have you sterilized so we won’t have to put up with your stupid children.

C: (Hangs up in tears.)

L:  Thank you for calling.  If you have a problem, call 1-800-I’LL-HAVE-YOU-STERILIZED-TOO.

I am exaggerating only slightly.  She actually did offer to pay to have some caller sterilized.

While we were driving, I got a text.  I do not text and drive (color my halo yellow please), so Carol took my phone and read me the message. I told her what to respond, but she typed in what she thought was a better way to say it, as if I were incapable of writing a cogent sentence.  She’s done this kind of thing before, and so have her busy-body ancestors, like Shakespeare’s wife.  When Bill said, “Anne, write this line down: To commit suicide or to continue living.”  She replied with, “You are the wordiest Elizabethan bastard in London.  I’m writing – To be or not to be – and that’s all you get.”

And another of her ancestor’s was Margaret Mitchell’s best friend.  It was rumored that Margaret asked her friend, “How do you like this line, Dear -- Scarlett, I don’t care where you go or what you do.  I’m leaving and I’m never coming back and I’m going to forget I ever knew you. Well, how do you like it?  To which my wife’s ancestor replied, “Frankly, My Dear, I don’t give a damn.” 

I have a question, and you may hate me for asking it (no, you won’t).  Was Kobe Bryant the Pope?  Was he the President of the United States?  Did he find a cure for cancer?  From what has been going on, you’d have thought he was Elvis, Princess Diana and Jesus all rolled into one.  George H. W. Bush didn’t get a sendoff like that.  Of course, Bush 41 couldn’t hit a jump shot. 

As I said somewhere up there a few long and boring paragraphs ago, we’re on our second leg – Naples, Florida.  The weather is good and the company is great -- Bruce and Laurie, guy’s name first again, boy am I in trouble.  I’m in more trouble than the guy who was supposed to save Nancy Pelosi’s copy of the State of the Union speech.  During the whole speech, I couldn’t help watching poor Nancy’s face, there over the President’s shoulder.  She looked like her dog had just died – in her shorts – of leprosy.

Be honest, did you watch the speech or go to Walgreen's for Senior Day?

Weekly Word:  Remember the Weekly Word thing?  It’s my way of sharing interesting words with you.  This week’s word (did you notice the asterisk?) is invective which means insulting, abusive or highly critical language.  Like the stuff you’ll say about me after reading this.

Come on back next week anyway and I promise to be just as obnoxious.  Till then, stay well and count your blessings.

 Michael                                            Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com