Blog #136

The Turks are slaughtering the Kurds.  The President is being impeached.  And what’s on the news?  Matt Lauer.  Makes sense, right?  That’s where our interests really lie – sex, scandal and smut!  I met Matt Lauer once.  I was trying on a pair of shoes in a New York store and he was next to me trying on a pair as well.  We talked for a while, and he seemed like a pleasant fellow.

This morning, when I opened my iPhone, I saw this message:  Good morning.  Last night, when we were pretty sure you were asleep, without your permission, knowledge or consent, we invaded your iPhone and changed everything.  We call this an update.  Everything that you finally learned how to do will now look totally different and you will have to call your children to show you where it all went.  Plus, you have to sign up for Apple Pay.  We don’t care if you don’t want it, don’t understand it and will never use it.  If you don’t sign up for it, we will hide the pictures of your grandchildren in a folder you will never find and post a naked picture of you on Instagram.  Thank you for using Apple.

Sometimes, technology frustrates me.  The other day, I was home alone, relaxing, reading and writing, when I heard a phone ring.  It wasn’t mine – mine sounds like a phone ringing, just like all phones used to sound in myyyyy day.  I like old things.  Carol’s phone sounds like a tidal wave splashing onto a dog who has just swallowed a xylophone.  And that’s what I heard.  She must have forgotten her phone.  Either that or there was a wet, choking dog somewhere in the house.

Challenge #1 -- Find the phone.  This is not trivial.  In myyyyy day, you knew where the phone was.  It was attached to the wall.  Now, it could be under the covers, under the bed, in the microwave, in the trash can, in her underwear drawer.  I commenced a search for the coughing, barking object.  I started in the underwear drawer (that’s where I always start), then followed my ears until I located it on the seventh bark -- on the bed four feet from me.

Challenge #2 -- Turn on the phone.  Once again, not trivial.  In myyyyy day, you picked up the damn thing and spoke.  Every phone was the same.  You knew where it was, you went there, you picked it up and said hello.  Simple.  Now every phone has a pass code or fingerprint or eye recognition or yoga mantra.  I tried activating it by shouting loud obscenities at it?  I tried that several times, but it didn’t help.  And this is supposed to make our lives easier?  I threw it into the underwear drawer and went back to work.

Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you are feeling well.  Did you have a nice Columbus Day?  Everyone believes that Columbus was sent over here by King Ferdinand to locate, subjugate and exterminate all people of color in the Western Hemisphere.  Actually, the whole thing was about Queen Isabella’s birthday.  Ferdinand asked the Queen what she wanted as a birthday gift.  “Oh, Ferdy,” she replied, “I need to find something new and fresh to wear.  The stuff in the stores is so 1480s.  Why don’t you send that creepy little Italian out to find me a Saks?”  And so he did.  Chris landed on the island of Hispaniola, but it was a holiday and everything was closed except the furniture store which was having a Going Out of Business Sale.  Chris was able to pick up a few Early American pieces for the Queen’s boudoir, 90 days same as bullion.  The owner of the furniture store, Uncle Montezuma, was so pleased he decided to name next year’s sale a Columbus Day Sale.

Nowadays, if we want to go to or from Europe, we fly.  Do you know how many different airline charges there are?  Various airlines will charge you extra for luggage, overweight luggage, oversize luggage, carryon luggage, pets, Wi-Fi, drinks, snacks, unaccompanied minors, seat selection, MAGA hats, priority boarding – even bathroom usage.  But now I think they’ve gone too far:

If we’re losing pressure up there

We’ll tell you just how to prepare

The masks will all drop

Don’t touch them, first stop

And pay us five dollars for air.

As much as I hate technology, some of it is pretty amazing.  Under my bed is a machine the size of an apple pie, the kind with caramel on top and a little cinnamon.  It is connected to my Pacemaker by radio waves.  My Pacemaker, besides making paces and threatening to whap the crap out of me should I need it, records my heart activity on a continuous basis.  Wait, I had to stop there and think about the difference between continuous and continual.  Continuous means non-stop without interruption.  The Moon revolves around the Earth continuously.  Continual means over and over again.  My wife continually criticizes my driving.

So, the thing under my bed continuously records my heart activity.  Every three months, without my help or knowledge, it transmits a record of my heart activity by telephone to Dr. Rhythm.  Easy-peasy!  But there is also an option where I can manually transmit to the doctor.  Last Thursday and Friday, I noticed some twinges that felt to me like the pacemaker was doing something.  The method for manual transmission is perfectly simple.  You pick up the mouse-like device from the machine and you begin immediately to see cartoon instructions that a hamster could follow.  Press this button, put the mouse over your pacemaker, wait, put it back, you’re done.  I’m sure the hamster could have done better, because I screwed it up the first time, but I got it to work on the second try.

Then I called Dr. Rhythm, and you know what?  It worked!  They received the transmission and it showed no episodes of activity.  Everything’s good.  Have a nice day.  Pet the hamster.  I did!

I hope that you have a nice day too, and if reading my stuff makes it a little nicer – well, that makes me happy.  Be happy, stay well, count your blessings and try a little cinnamon on your apple pie.  You’ll thank me.  See you next week.

Michael                                    Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com