Blog #134

Remember Monopoly?  Now Hasbro has released Ms. MONOPOLY where women players get $240 for passing Go while men players only get $200 and where, instead of buying real estate, players buy chocolate-chip cookies.  I promise you, I have not made this up.  The concept has annoyed me a little, so I have decided to create some male-oriented board games.

Games for Guys:  While the girls are playing CLUE, the men can play CLUELESS, a mystery game where the men try to decide what belt to wear with a pink shirt.

Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you’re feeling pert and healthy.  I feel great, recovering nicely from hip replacement.  In preparation for my surgery, I had to do lots of things, things like grocery shopping for the lunch stuff and snacks that I like.  So I went to Schnucks.  Yes, that’s the name of our local grocery chain.  Kind of like calling a store Asshole Hardware or Loser Laundry.

I was limping the aisles when I felt a figure approach me from the rear.  I turned around and there was a tall, thin, silvery body with huge black eyes.  No, it wasn’t Cher, it was a robot.  Is Cher still here?  I thought she promised to leave the country after the last election.  I guess if Trump wins again, she’ll leave the planet.  Baby, don’t go!  Pretty Baby, please don’t go.  

This robot was spookily anthropomorphic.  I guess it (he? she? them?).  Can robots pick their own pronouns?  Anyway, it was apparently vacuuming the floor or doing some other job no longer suitable for living creatures to perform..  It passed me by, didn’t even say, “Pardon me, handsome Human,” and rolled into a corner where it turned itself off.  It made me think of Star Wars, Wall-E and I, Robot.  It both spooked me out and warned me of the unfamiliar future that is on our doorstep.  I’m sure the robot will save Schnucks lots of money, at least until some limping, old man trips over it and sues for $10 million.

One of the nice, thoughtful messages you sent me following my hip replacement was a hope that I’d be running a marathon in a month.  Well, a marathon is not exactly my style.  In fact, if my body is ever found on a jogging trail, you’ll know that I was murdered somewhere else and dumped there.  The marathon was a nice thought, but I’m just hoping to go back to Schnucks and make it from the bananas to the milk without tripping over R2D2.  I call the distance from bananas to milk and back to bananas one Fruit Loop.  You know, like a Light Year or a Nautical Mile?  Seniors do Fruit Loops.

Pretty soon I’ll be graduating my recovery period and getting back to my assigned place in the grocery store world, following Carol around like a strip of toilet paper stuck to her heel and catching food items she flips over her shoulder.  The woman can shop faster than the House Intelligence Committee can issue subpoenas.

We always start shopping from the artsy-fartsy foods like kiwis, kale and cumquats and work ourselves over to the real foods like Lactose-Free Fat-Free Milk, caged and antibiotic-filled eggs and Pasteurized processed cheese spreads.  Does anybody shop in the other direction?  Maybe in Israel.

Besides, it’s getting harder and harder to figure out which product to buy.  There’s low-fat-no-carbs, lotsa-fat-no-sugar, fat-free-extra-protein, gluten-free-extra carbs.  And that’s just the laundry detergent!

Games for Guys:  While the girls are playing SORRY! the guys are playing Oh my God, Honey, I’m So SORRY! where the men have to spend an entire week circling the board because they didn’t notice their wives’ new hair color.

I’ve had to skip a couple of my light treatments during recovery.  You remember my light treatments, standing in a tanning booth with a brown paper bag over my head reciting the Raven?  Did you know that the state of California prohibits any person under the age of eighteen from using a tanning salon without written parental permission?  I’m pretty sure you can get an abortion at any age without permission.  I’m pretty sure you can live in a public park at any age without permission.  But you can’t get a tan.  Well, good for California for protecting its youth.

Take all of the drugs that you can

Abortions are fine, there’s no ban

You’re never too young

To get studs in your tongue

But make sure you don’t get a tan.

And don’t go outside either.  It’s curious that the same people who are so concerned with saving the pristine forests and mountains and wild creatures won’t let their kids go out and enjoy them. 

Games for Guys:  While the girls are playing CANDY LAND, the men are playing BEER BELLY, comparing how far forward they have to lean before they can see their shoes.

Happy New Year to all my Jewish friends. Carol has been cooking for the Jewish holidays.  She just called my name from three rooms away, “Michael, I saved a cookie for you.  It was broken.”  That’s really all I’m worth – broken cookies, fatty pieces of brisket and undersized matzoh balls.  The streetable food, the good-looking food – well, I’m under a Family Holdback Order, so I’m stuck with the broken cookies and undersized balls.  Don’t you dare make a joke!  That’s my job. 

Games for Guys:  While the girls are playing Chutes and Ladders, the men are playing Fish and Chips, where each participant chooses among menu items, the winner being the one who amasses the most cholesterol.

Games for Guys:  While the girls are playing Dungeons and Dragons, the men are playing Headaches and Cramps, trying to avoid penalty cards like:  Sorry, your wife has a headache.  Go directly to Sleep, do not even get close to GO.

I should stop now.  I’m not sure how much more trouble I can into in one week, but I feel like I’m on the edge.  Stay well, count your blessings and be sure to come visit next week.  Where else can you get this kind of stuff?

Michael                                    Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com