Blog #88

Can we talk?  Sometimes men have to get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom.  Normal!  When I do, it’s usually about 4:00.  The flushing wakes my wife, so she has asked that I use the guest bath.  My clothes are already in the study and now I guess my bathroom is in the hall.  I am many things; I have many faults.  But I am not stupid.  I see the writing on the wall – the guest bathroom wall.  I hog all the covers and watch strange old movies, and, although she’s never suggested it, I’m sure Carol would be more comfortable if I slept in the study.  Near my clothes.  But I won’t.  I like sleeping with my wife.  It’s safe and comfortable and pleasant-smelling.  I don’t mind my clothes in the study and I don’t mind the guest bath, but I intend to sleep in my bed with my wife.  So there! 

I could get even with her by getting a cat.  She never liked cats sleeping on her bed.  Are you a cat person or a dog person?  Dogs are loyal, loving members of the family who want to hug you, please you and treat you like God.  Cats are royalty who dislike you and tolerate your existence only because they have successfully trained you to wait on them.  Kind of like wives.

I only drink warm half ‘n half

I’m a princess, not local riff raff

Scratch my tail, scratch my chin

Let me out, let me in

I’m the cat – and you’re only the staff

Are you Polish?  If you are, close your eyes for the next 90 words.  A man walks into a store.  I’ll have some Polish sausage, he tells the clerk at the counter.  You must be Polish, says the clerk.  That’s a presumptuous insult, says the man.  If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you presume that I’m Italian?  If I had asked for Bratwurst, would you think I’m German?  If I had asked for a kosher hotdog, would you assume I am a Jew?  What gives you the right to presume that I am Polish?  Because, says the clerk, this is a dry-cleaners. 

Does telling that joke mean I’m going to get fired?  Well, that’s ok, I’ll just hang out with Megyn Kelly.

Have you ever gone to a shrink?  Do you know who the first psychiatrist was?  It was Snow White.  Seriously!  When she asked each of her roommates, “Are you happy?” and six of them said no, she figured they needed some help and she hung up a PSYCHIATRIST shingle on the cottage.  But when customers arrived and noticed that all the people coming out of her office were tiny, they all said, “She’s not helping their mental problems, she’s just shrinking them.”  And that’s how the term shrink was born.  Aren’t you happy that I give you all of this information?  No?  You’re not happy?  Go see Snow.

I used to go to a shrink.  I like talking to people, as you can tell, and I liked talking to my shrink.  After all, you’re there to talk and, more important, he’s there to listen.  Your psychiatrist will listen more than your spouse or your kids or your friends.  Almost as much as your hair stylist.  The first time I visited him, I brought a newspaper to read in the waiting room, and, when I was finished reading, I tossed it into the waste basket.  Then I realized it still had my address label attached.  Now, I’m not embarrassed about having visited a shrink, but it’s really not something I discuss with everybody – other than you, of course.  So I retrieved the paper and tore off my name label.  Hey, if you can’t be paranoid in a shrink’s office, where can you?

During the first session, the shrink asked what my family was like when I was growing up and I began to tell him about my lovable lunatic brother and my sad schizophrenic sister.  Wow, he thought he had hit the Mother Lode.  He’d never heard of a family so messed up since The Osbournes.  He was as excited as a Vietnamese chef at a dog park and concluded that with my family history, I was certain to be as misguided as a Liberal on Fox News.  Of course, he was right.   

In more health news, I just finished a book about the electromagnetic spectrum, which includes visible light, ultraviolet rays, microwaves, infrared rays, radio waves, X-rays and gamma rays.  You are all part of the family, so I’ve done the heavy lifting for you and listed the book’s most important tips so you can stay healthy and continue to read my stuff.  Listen up.

• The more atmosphere between you and the sun, the better, because the atmosphere filters out much of the harmful rays.  It is therefore better to live near sea level and near the equator.  Don’t live in Denver or at the North Pole.
• UV-rays are good for you, absolutely necessary to guard against cancer.  Get as much sunshine as you can without getting burned.  It is sunburn that can cause melanoma, not sunshine. 
•  Cellphones are probably not harmful.  Probably!  If there is potential damage, it is from close proximity to your brain.  Use the speaker phone instead of holding the phone to your ear.
•  CT scans provide a lot of harmful radiation.  Much more than X-rays.  Full body CTs are way worse. 

Carol has now raised the stakes -- and the temperature.  Last night she adjusted the heat in our bedroom so that it was too hot for me.  Maybe, she’s thinking in her frizzy little head, that will make me move to a different bedroom.  Are you getting the picture now?  Clothes in the study, tinkles in the hall, sweat in the bedroom.  I’m beginning to feel as welcome as Donald Trump at a Barbra Streisand concert.  Be careful, Honey, I think Megyn Kelly is hot for me.  And I know you’re hot for me too, because you keep coming back every week.  Don’t stop.  I’ll be back in seven days and expect to find you feeling well and counting your blessings.

Happy                                     Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com