Blog #84

You’ve been hearing a lot about Hurricane Michael.  I have a serious problem with the name.  My daughters will not allow me to use the terms policeman, fireman or waitress.  Instead, I must use police officer, firefighter and server.  Ok, I get it.  It’s a gender thing, but it works both ways.  If they’re going to name a hurricane after me, the least they could do is call it a Himicane.

I have two great fears during any normal day -- leaving home and coming home.  My fear upon leaving is that my wife will notice me and tell me she doesn’t like my outfit.  The shirt doesn’t go with the pants or the belt doesn’t go with the shirt or the left shoe doesn’t go with the right shoe.  Hey, I know I’m not Bill Blass.  I’m closer to Mr. Magoo, but who wants to start changing clothes just to go to McDonald’s and Walmart?

My second great fear is that I will succeed in sneaking out of the house without being sartorially scrutinized and then have to come home to find Carol waiting for inspection.  She is one tough Lorna Doone!  But, she’s mine, and even if she were only a whiskey-maker’s daughter, I would love her still.

Thank goodness I don’t have to dress up to write to you.  Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you are feeling well and having a good week so far.  Look down – do your shoes match?  I have been sensing a trend lately toward mismatched shoes, and it seems that soon it will be acceptable.  Whew!  Now all I have to do before leaving the house is make sure my belt buckle is lined up with my Adam’s apple and that I’m not wearing linen after Labor Day.

Did you hear about the woman who brought her emotional support squirrel on a Frontier Airlines flight?  This is a true story.  She was removed, of course, though she put up a fight.  Someone suggested she was probably flying home from Washington, DC after spending a week screaming at the Senate Judiciary Committee.  She was likely mad because they wouldn’t let her squirrel into the Senate, although I don’t see why not.  They let every other kind of vermin in there.  Later, her grown daughter said she was proud of her mother for sticking up for her rights.  Her rights?  Does she have a right to bring a support yak on the plane?  A support python?  It’s bad enough they allow children.  You’re actually allowed to take a dead animal on board, but then they charge you for carrion.

Have you gotten your flu shot?  Carol and I got ours last week.  And I didn’t even faint.  I’m so proud!  Some years, as you know, the shots work really well, but some years, like last year, the shots don’t work at all.  And since I’m not so sure the shot will work for me, I’m developing an alternative strategy to get rid of the flu virus.

Hey I’m not afraid of the flu

I’ve figured out just what to do

I’ve nothing to fear

I’ll wait till you’re near

Then sneeze all my flu germs a-choo.

Getting the flu means going to the doctor, and you don’t want to do that.

Doctor:  I’ve examined you and I’m sorry to say you have a terrible and fatal disease.

Patient:  My goodness, Doc.  How long do I have to live?

Doctor:  Ten.

Patient:  Ten what, Doc?  Ten years?  Ten months?

Doctor:  Nine.

There’s a store near me called Three Dog Bakery.  It sells all kinds of dog food, obviously.  I think they should sell food specialized for each brand of dog, and who better to think up cute dog food names than Yours Truly?  Here are a few modest suggestions: Hearts of Pomeranian - Chow - Poodle Kugel - Collie Flower - Split Pekinese Soup - Chocolate Maltese - German Shepherd Pie.

Last week was Columbus Day – twice.  The real, traditional Columbus Day was October 12^th, but we celebrated it on Monday, October 8^th.  This continues a trend of moving holidays from a specific date to a Monday near that date.  Presidents Day used to be Washington’s Birthday and Lincoln’s Birthday, but we threw out Washington (he was a white, male slaveowner after all) and Lincoln (he had an ugly hat) and moved it to Monday.  Mother’s Day and Father’s Day and Easter don’t count because they are always on a Sunday and don’t disrupt the work week.  That leaves only four non-Monday holidays.  Three of them surely are toast.  There’s no reason to leave Thanksgiving on a Thursday and no reason to have Christmas on the 25^th.  It won’t be long until they’ll both be on Monday.  And although you can’t imagine Fourth of July on any other date, just think of it as Independence Day and make it the first Monday in July.  The one holiday that will be hard to move is New Year’s Day, but I’m working on it.

My wife and I graduated high school together – high school sweethearts and all that – and last weekend was our 55^th reunion.  Reunions are always a mixture of narcissism, surprise, warmth and sadness.  Conflicting images run through our heads, thoughts like, I look way better than her – Oh my, he looks so sick – Gee, we’re all getting old.   Some of my classmates had fallen ill, and that’s terrible.  Some were as boring and tiresome as they had been in high school.  But most looked good and were eager to talk.  Carol looked terrific, and I actually got some attention from the women.  I think it’s because I can do the two things women are looking for in a man my age, comb my hair and drive at night.

Some of my loyal readers were among the crowd, like Bruce and Cindy from Atlanta, and I enjoyed talking with all of you.  And Carol passed out my cards promoting my blog.  I guess she doesn’t mind everybody knowing all her charms, habits, foibles and quirks.  Stay well, Classmates.  I’ll see you in five years.

And for the rest of you, I’ll see you next week.  Count your blessings, stay well and make sure your shoes match.

Michael                                    Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com