Blog #86

Only five more days of political ads.  Can you last that long?  Today I started listening to a radio station from Wichita Falls, TX.  It’s refreshing to hear Texas candidates being trashed for a while instead of Missouri candidates.  I try not to talk about politics ever, and I’m certainly not going to talk about it here, except to give you two apt quotes:

Every two years the American politics industry fills the airwaves with the most virulent, scurrilous, wall-to-wall character assassination of nearly every political practitioner in the country – and then declares itself puzzled that America has lost trust in its politicians.  Charles Krauthammer

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.  Doug Larson

Oh, and then there’s the quote from Billy Connolly: Don’t vote, it only encourages them.  Even so, I’m counting on all of you to vote on Tuesday.  Except the ones who don’t agree with me.  I’m going to the polls early so I can see the new car that, apparently, all the Democrats are buying.  It’s called a Drove.  I don’t know anything about it except CNN says the Democrats are going to show up in Droves.  I do know that it only comes in two colors – Sanctuary Cherry and Im-Peach.  The Republicans have a new car as well.  It’s called The Donald and only comes in Privileged White or Fake Blues.

Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you’re feeling stellar.  Did you have a good Halloween?  I went as Megyn Kelly.  She seems to be the scariest thing out there.

As you know, I teach an English as a Second Language class (ESL), and, as a courtesy, I have learned how to say Good Morning in each of my student’s native tongue.  So far, I can greet people in Spanish, French, Portuguese, Hindi, Russian, Arabic, Mandarin, Japanese, Korean and Amharic (spoken in Ethiopia).  I know they appreciate my effort, but I think I should concentrate on learning more Spanish.  Especially when I’m ordering at McDonald’s.

I went into one the other day, and the staff looked at me like I was Cortez.  I made myself understood by pointing, but I think we should all start learning a bunch of Spanish.

You really should save every peso

To buy Quarter Pounders Con Queso

I’m warning you now

Your kids should learn how

To say “¿Quieres fritos con eso?”

I presume all the foreign-born McDonald’s employees are here legally, and that’s fine.  But I often worry about illegal immigrants.  Hundreds of years ago, millions of illegal immigrants came to America, and that wasn’t so good for the Native Americans.  Just ask an Indian – if you can find one. 

Today I went to Dr. Skin.  They showed me into a room and I stripped down to my skivvies.  Now there’s a word that I haven’t used in decades.  As soon as I was sufficiently disrobed, three women entered.  One was Dr. Skin and the other two were young women with clipboards who apparently were there because they like to see naked old men.   Dr. Skin checked the usual places and asked if there was anything I wanted her to look at.  That’s when I brought out my Official Pirate Treasure Map which located all the skin thingies I had been recording for the past six months:  two pinkie widths below the left elbow, a thumbnail right of the right knee, etc.  My brother died from melanoma, so I am particularly cautious.  She checked them out, found one she decided to freeze off and wished me well.  I would highly recommend keeping such a list, because the one thing that needed treatment was very small and would possibly have been missed.

I have now paid my annual visit to each of my doctors, and they all seem to be in agreement that I am perfect! Well, who am I to argue with such highly-educated people?

As you know, I take pretty good care of my wife.  Last Tuesday, I went to the library to get her a book.  I went to the pharmacy to get her pills.  I went to Straub’s to get her some chicken salad.  Then I took her to vote.  I dropped her at the door (naturally) and parked the car.  We stood in line for a bit, then exercised our honorable and civic duty by lying to the poll workers that we would be out of town on Election Day.  They expected it, of course.  We voted the nine-page ballot and were out in twenty minutes.  Then I offered to get her a mocha Frappuccino, but she declined.  I am a loyal and willing gopher.  Is there a Gopher’s Day?  On Gopher’s Day, if I come out of my hole and see my shadow, it’s Carol telling me she won’t let me out of the hole dressed like that.

Do you know what time it is?  I’m so confused.  I think we’re supposed to change our clocks this weekend because it’s getting darker in the morning but lighter in the evening.  That is, until Sunday when it will become lighter in the morning and darker in the evening, except in Arizona and Indiana where they have enough good sense to ignore this dance of the dials.  What’s the point?  I’ve forgotten.  And which is the “real” time, Standard or Daylight Saving?  Why not just get rid of the Standard time altogether and make it Daylight Saving time all year round and put Arizona into the Pacific Time Zone and let Indiana secede?  I’m so confused.

I’m supposed to change this coming Sunday at 2:00 a.m., but am I switching to Daylight Saving, or back to Standard?  And is it backward or forward?  And who can stay up that late?  I’ve got an idea.  All of you who vote for Democrats move your clocks forward and those of you who vote for Republicans move them backward.  A couple of hours difference couldn’t make us any farther apart than we already are.  But at least at the Early Bird Special, we’ll know who’s who.

I’m only teasing.  Of course I know what time it is.  It’s time to say see you next week.  I’ll be back, but I’ll be an hour earlier.  Or later.  I’m so confused.  But don’t you be confused.  Just be here on time, count your blessings, vote and stay well.  Can you do all that?  Multi-task! 

Michael                                    Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com