Blog #59
I hate when
people don’t hold the door open for me. It’s just common courtesy to hold the door
open for the next person. Didn’t your
mother teach you anything? Today someone
held the door open for me. He was 55 or
60-ish. He looked at my gray hair and my
face, held the door and said, “After you, sir.”
I hate when people hold the door open for me.
The St. Louis Chess Club is
proud to be hosting the US Chess Championship and US Women’s Chess Championship
this year. It’s going on right now and
ends next Monday. Somehow, when I heard the
two separate tournaments announced, it hit me the wrong way. Women’s chess championship? I can understand separate women’s
basketball -- men are, as a whole, taller and stronger. Or women’s tennis or most other sports. But chess?
Are men naturally smarter than women?
I think not. The National
Spelling Bee is sexually inclusive.
Mensa is not segregated between men and women. Jeopardy does not have a Women’s
Edition. There are no Bridge tournaments
for one sex only. Why chess? If I were a
woman. I’d be sorely insulted. And, for
that matter, why is the King more important than the Queen? And what’s with the black pieces and the
white pieces. Is this a racist
thing? And Kings and Knights and Pawns
just reek of class inequality. And
Bishops? What happened to Separation of
Church and Chess? I think we should
boycott the tournament and Chess in general.
It’s just some silly, Medieval, racist, sexist, homophobic waste of
time! And who decided to spell Medieval that way? Ok, I feel better.
I just re-read that part and was struck by the phrase
– If
I were a woman. How ridiculous! I could never be a woman. I don’t have any fashion sense, I sit at the
first table they give me in a restaurant and I don’t think I am right about every damn thing all the
time.
Hi there and welcome back. I hope you are doing well and practicing your
chess moves. Did you know that next
Tuesday is May Day? Wikipedia tells me
that May Day “is an ancient northern hemisphere spring festival and a traditional spring
holiday in many cultures.” Isn’t Wikipedia great? You can look up absolutely anything – from
Princess Grace of Monaco to Knob Knoster State Park to anal bleaching. And don’t tell me Wikipedia is wrong. Anything wrong on Wikipedia gets corrected in
very short order.
Where was I?
May Day is also a world-wide celebration of workers which has come to be
most celebrated in communist countries.
After all, Workers of the
world, unite! is from the
Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx. Too
bad Karl wasn’t the silent Marx brother.
Anyway, on May Day the Communists march and the labor unions march and
people celebrating Springtime march and women march and high-school students
march and teachers march and there are so many marches, it should have been
called March Day and held in March. But
it’s not.
I had a physical with Dr. Primary. I’m perfect, but to arrive at that
conclusion, they had to stick me with needles.
Blood tests and shots and pin pricks – by the time I was done I had more
holes than . . . Ok, here’s your chance
to create your own simile. I had
more holes than – pick your favorite:
A
pin cushion, a Swiss cheese, a Chinese Checkers board, a miniature golf course,
a sponge, a spaghetti strainer, Fearless Fosdick, Donald Trump’s alibis.
Go now, not later, now. Google Fearless
Fosdick and click on “images”.
You’ll notice he has a hole in him.
I don’t make this stuff up, you know.
Back to the
physical. Every time I encountered a new
doctor, nurse, technician or office staff – they asked for my date of
birth. Over and over. The person who drew my blood -- a nasty,
evil-looking, vampiric creature – must have asked me four times.
The
Nurse I call Lady Macbeth
Asked
my date of birth with each breath
It’s
ok - I let her
It’s
surely much better
Than
asking for my Date of Death.
I think I’ll have a hat made up with my date of birth
imprinted on it. That will save
time. And probably make more people hold
the door open for me. I like the idea,
actually. Everyone should wear a hat
with their age in large numbers. Hey, at
our station in life we’ve stopped lying about our age and started bragging
about it. The age on the hat would save all
the guessing and arguing. Maybe it
should have who we voted for as well.
Then you would know who to talk to and who to pepper spray.
Yes, I know I just made a mistake. I should have written, “Everyone should wear a hat with his
age.” My favorite English
teacher, Mrs. Gottlieb, taught us that the word everyone is singular and
should be used with a singular pronoun.
So “everyone should take their
seat” is wrong and “everyone
should take his seat” is right. But wait!
If I use his, that’s
sexist. So I should use his or her. “No-no-no” – I hear you whine. The new gender-neutral movement considers his or her inadequate because now there
are more gender-selective pronouns than Bill Cosby accusers. I give up.
I’m going to stick with their. I’m sorry, Mrs. Gottlieb.
I just got the mail.
Let’s see – a discount on hearing aids, an invitation to visit the new
elderly facility, a free dinner if I listen to a money manager, 30% off at
Kohl’s and a whole bunch of stuff addressed to Resident, Occupant
or Loser. Is this too exciting for you? This is my life!
But wait, what’s
that? A small envelope with a
hand-written address and no bar codes.
It was from my granddaughter – snail mail. Not an e-mail or a fax. Not a text or a tweet or a twit or a
twoot. Not a Facebook or a YouTube or a Snapchat. Just a little old envelope with my name
written on it in pencil. I dove for it
like a pelican after a sardine. Isn’t it
funny how something as simple as an actual letter can be so exciting?
Ok, another week. Seven damn days closer to the future. Well, one good thing the future has – next
week’s blog. Don’t miss it. Stay well and count your blessings.
I just re-read the blog
again and noticed I did not mention my wife once. Hi, Honey.
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