Blog #57

Have you done your taxes yet?  They’re due April 15^th, you know.  Well, not really, because April 15^th is Sunday, so the due date will be pushed to Monday, April 16^th.  But wait, April 16^th is Emancipation Day.  Emancipation Day celebrates the day when Lincoln freed 3,100 slaves living in the District of Columbia.  Remember Lincoln?  He’s on the penny.  All the Federal workers in DC are off on Monday.  So I guess your taxes are due Tuesday.  No, no, hold on – Tuesday is National Bat Appreciation Day (look it up!), and no-one’s going to leave their house on a day like that.  So I guess it’s Wednesday, except that Wednesday is National Animal Crackers Day, and no-one who celebrated Emancipation Day is going to file their taxes on a day dedicated to Crackers.  Well, shoot!  Don’t file your taxes at all.  Nobody cares about your damn taxes anyway.  Certainly not your politicians.

Our society has changed so much it is as unrecognizable as Aunt Sally after her third facelift.  Just think about this – the Supreme Court has ruled that a state cannot regulate video-game violence because of Free Speech rights.  But California and other states are banning toys in Happy Meals because they entice children to eat “bad” food.  So, apparently, it is ok for 10-year-olds to spend hours a day online training how to slaughter people with automatic weapons as long as they’re not eating Chicken McNuggets while they do it.   Have I misstated the case?  What have we become?

Now I heard a story that a watchdog group is lobbying McDonalds to get rid of its Ronald McDonald character, saying the clownish Ronald is attractive to kids and makes them want to go to McDonalds to eat.  Isn’t that the point?  No, says the group, not when the food is loaded with fat and calories and altogether bad juju.  They’re asking that Ronald at least tell the truth.  Here’s the new ad:

Come visit us at Mickey D’s

And try our McFatso with Cheese

The new Crappy Meal

Will make the kids squeal

And fill them with McCalories.

Would you like fries with that?  Listen up, Mothers out there, Ronald McDonald or Happy Meal toys mean nothing if you don’t drive your kids there.  And if you’re too much of a softy to say no to your kids, don’t blame Ronald.  Lighten up.  Have a Big Mac.

I know you think I talk about McDonald’s a lot.  Well, I’m there every morning -- alone, in the corner, sipping a Diet Coke all by myself and reading some old, dusty book.  Hugh Hefner would have been jealous.

The NFL has announced a new rule for next season which forbids helmet-to-helmet tackling.  By the way, the NFL is the National Football League for those of you who have lived inside a pistachio all your life.  I have been telling the NFL for years how to stop this kind of tackling – outlaw helmets!   A player without a helmet will never tackle with his head first.  Guaranteed! 

Ok, that last paragraph was for my guy readers.  But I have another great idea for my girl audience.   Wardrobe History Tags.  Attached to the hanger holding that cute little black dress will hang one of my Wardrobe History Tags, a small, round, smart, voice-analytic device.  We’ll call her Dressy.  When you pick out what you’re wearing tonight, just press the button and say, “Dressy, I’m going to Tony’s tonight with Fred and Ethel Mertz.”  Dressy will respond, “Hello, Carol.  You wore this dress to Tony’s last November, but you’ve never worn it with Fred and Ethel.  It’s ok to wear it tonight.  Try those little black boots with the silver buckles.  The pink nail-polish will look fabulous!”

I know I’m in trouble with the ladies because I said the NFL bit was for the guys.  Yes, girls, I realize that some of you, like my daughter Jennifer, are big football fans.  Sorry I insulted you.  I’m pretty sure, however, that the chances that one of my male readers will have any interest in the Wardrobe Tags is about the same as Stormy Daniels being appointed Secretary of State.

You know that I don’t drink.  But that doesn’t prevent me from giving you some rock n roll lyrics about alcoholic beverages.  You like quizzes, don’t you?  Humor me.  Here are the lyrics.  Remember, the songs are about alcohol.  Answers later.

1.     Who lost his jigger of salt?

2.     Where did the Captain say they hadn’t had those spirits here since 1969?

3.     Good ol’ boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye, but what were they singing?

4.     When the microphone smelled like a beer, what did the piano sound like?

5.     I met a gin-soaked barroom queen in Memphis.

Random news:  In New York, a man was convicted of second-degree murder for killing his father and hiding the body in the basement.  And that’s only second-degree? What would make it first-degree, I wonder?  If he made the old man go to a Blue-Man Group concert first?  What could be more fun than a concert that starts out with a man spitting Cheerios in your face and ends with your being strangled with toilet paper?

More random news: The First Episcopal Church in Ocala, FL completed the installation of an 80-foot high white metal cross on its grounds that doubles as a cell-phone tower.  Can you hear me now, Jesus?     

There’s a new movie called Chappaquiddick.  If you look at the legally required cautions, you will find a PG-13 rating followed by these exact words:  Thematic Material, Disturbing Images, Some Strong Language, And Historical Smoking.  I’ve never heard that Historical Smoking warning before, but someone has determined that smoking is bad for children to watch.  It’s probably bad for the actors as well.  I have always wondered why they have to show the actors smoking.  Yes, we all did it back in the 50s and 60s, but the story would not be changed if we eliminated the smoking, would it?  I mean, he didn’t burn the girl to death with his cigarette butt.  And don’t give me the argument about historical accuracy.  That didn’t seem to bother anybody when the show Hamilton made George Washington black.

It’s time to leave now.  Here are your answers to the lyrics questions:

1.     Jimmy Buffet – Margaritaville

2.     Hotel California.  (Eagles)

3.     Bye Bye Miss American Pie.  (Don McLean).

4.     A carnival.  (Piano Man, Billy Joel)

5.     Honky Tonk Woman. (Rolling Stones)

Stay well, count your blessings.  See you next week.  Oh, and no historical smoking.

Michael                                             Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com