Blog #50

I am currently at home watching Olympic Curling.  That’s the event where they slide a big rock (which they call a stone) down the ice while sweeping its path with a broom (which they call a broom).  It’s played like Shuffleboard or Bocce and has all the excitement of a Lawrence Welk accordion solo.  I know you have to be good to compete, but would you call that “athletic prowess”?  Should darts be an Olympic sport?  Or chess?  And the brooms just make them look sillier than Al Franken trying to apologize.  To me, Curling is a Winter Olympic embarrassment. 

The Summer Olympic Embarrassment is the event where two guys on bicycles go as slowly as they can for two laps, then as fast as they can for one lap.  I’d rather watch fish die.  I mean, if they aren’t strong enough to pedal hard for three laps, they shouldn’t get a medal anyway.  I’m getting ready for the 2020 Olympics in Tokyo.  I’m entering the Chewing Gum While Reciting The Raven event.  I think I have a chance for a medal.

It’s always interesting watching the Olympics with my wife.  We were watching the figure skating last night.  The announcers – you know, the blonde lady and the guy whose hair looks like a pineapple?  Well, these announcers were describing the triple flippers and the quadruple moocows and the quintuple lollipops.  The skaters were magical, flying down the ice and soaring through the air.  And you know what Carol said?  “I don’t like her outfit.”  These skaters have practiced for thousands of hours – exercised, suffered, sacrificed.  They are superb and seasoned athletes.  But one polka-dot out of place?  Get the hook!

Yes, she does say some memorable things.  Like the time I was in a North Carolina hospital.  She was talking with a good friend back in St. Louis.  “Oh my God,” said the friend.  “Michael had quadruple bypass surgery and then a heart-attack and they had to shock him back to life?  How horrible.”  “You think that was horrible?” said my wife.  “I had to drive back to my daughter’s house in the dark at 5:00 am.  And it was sleeting and it took me ten minutes to defrost the windshield!  Now that was horrible!  You think having your chest cut open with a bone-saw is bad?  You think having your ribs spread apart by a huge vise is disgusting?  The cafeteria’s chicken-salad had sweet-pickle in it!  Now that’s what I call disgusting!  And I didn’t like the nurse’s outfit.”   I just love her to pieces.

You all know that Prince was Prince Nelson, Liberace was Wladzju Liberace and Madonna is Madonna Ciccone.  But can you recognize any of the personalities on this list?  Each one is known by a single name.

          Cherilyn Sarkisian          Gordon Sumner

          Paul Hewson                  Leslie Harby

          Edison Nascimento         Alecia Moore

Answers later.

The new type of commercial we saw during the Super Bowl has now bled over to the Olympics.  No product is ever mentioned in these commercials.  There is just singing and hugging and empowerment and hope and support for the oppressed.  The point is to show how loving, caring, diverse and multi-cultural the sponsor is.   It never mentions the product!  Apparently, the product is no longer the point.

We’ve done everything that we should

We’ve adopted each kitten we could

We love Cher and The View

And the immigrants too,

So who cares if our product’s no good?

Welcome back, everyone.  I hope you are feeling well and staying out of trouble.  Every week I try to entertain you and make you smile, but I’m finding it harder and harder to compete with those clowns we have sent to Washington.  Nothing could be funnier or more ridiculous than them!  I mean, if you want to laugh (and cry at the same time), all you have to do is read the news.

For instance, the Obamas unveiled their official portraits last week, and everyone is still talking, arguing and pontificating about them.  You’ve seen them, haven’t you?  His is entitled Potus Salad and hers is called Bland Is Beautiful.  Did you notice that the Ex-President’s left hand has six fingers?

And speaking of presidents, last Monday was Presidents Day.  Did you celebrate?  Did you vacuum the house with your Hoover or drive your Ford or play with your Lincoln Logs?  It’s not good to be a dead President anymore.  I mean, all of them had slaves or mistreated their wives or fooled around or tweeted.  Take Washington for instance.  Remember him?  He was the one who declared Independence, defeated the British and invented the furniture sale.  But he sinned and soon we’ll be tearing down his statues and taking his picture off the dollar bill as well.   

Here’s what I think we should do for the dollar bill.  We should have two different bills.  One should have Oprah’s picture and the other should have a picture of an automatic rifle.  In Smith and Wesson We Trust.

Last week, one of my students at the jail tried to hang himself with a towel, but, just like the rest of his life, he screwed it up and has survived unharmed. It makes you pause to re-examine your life, doesn’t it?

How’s your hearing?  What?  HOW’S YOUR HEARING!  Yes, as we get older, as we reach the age where Happy Hour is a nap, some of us are beginning to turn up the TV volume and learning to read lips.  One of my friends just got a new hearing aid.  “I just bought a new hearing aid,” he told me.  “It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. Perfect!”  “Really,” I replied. “What kind is it?” “Twelve thirty,” he replied. (Thanks to my friend, Myron, for sharing that joke.)

Ok, here are the answers:  Cherilyn Sarkisian is Cher, Gordon Sumner is Sting, Paul Hewson is Bono, Leslie Harby is Twiggy, Edison Nascimento is Pele and Alecia Moore is Pink.  Did you get them all right?  Did you get any right?  That’s ok, you can still come back next week.  I’ll be waiting. Stay well, and remember, you do not need a parachute to skydive.  You only need one to skydive twice.

Michael                                             Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com