Blog #475 April
16, 2026
Have you ever gone into a car dealer and bought the
first car the salesman showed you? Well,
that’s how my wife feels when the hostess leads us to a table at a
restaurant. It’s obviously the worst table,
the one they want to fill because it is somehow flawed, and the hostess must
think we are ignorant losers who will accept a horrible table. Therefore, the first table offered is never
acceptable. Never! I hope they have round tables in Heaven,
because, if not, she’s going somewhere else.
Last weekend, we had finished dinner (at the second
table they offered us) and it was time to pay the bill. There were five people and coupons for two
free entrees and the ensuing confusion of how to allocate the free entrees reached
Carol’s Threshold of Impatience, which, I don’t have to tell you, is
about the size of a cricket’s eyebrow. I
could feel the Earth tremble as I looked at her. “I
just wish I were the Dictator and I could tell everybody how to do this,” she whispered through clenched, but beautifully
white, teeth. “What do you want to have
happen?” I asked. She told me
and I immediately took control, exerted my dominant masculinity and did exactly
as my wife told me. I just need a little
direction sometimes.
Hi there and welcome back. I hope you’re feeling well. Have you done your taxes yet? They were due yesterday, I think. Well, not always, because if April 15th
is Sunday, then the due date will be pushed to Monday, April 16th. But wait, April 16th is
Emancipation Day. Emancipation
Day celebrates the day when Lincoln freed 3,100 slaves living in the District
of Columbia. Remember Lincoln? He’s on the penny. Remember the penny? All the Federal workers in DC are off on
Emancipation Day. So, I guess your taxes
could be due on the 17th. No, no, hold
on – the 17th is National Bat Appreciation Day (look it up!), and
no-one’s going to leave their house on a day like that. So I guess it’s the 18th, except that is National
Animal Crackers Day, and no-one who celebrated Emancipation Day is
going to file their taxes on a day dedicated to Crackers. Well,
shoot! Don’t file your taxes at
all. Nobody cares about your damn taxes
anyway. Certainly not your politicians.
Message from Shakespeare, the three-legged
cat: “O excellent! I love long life better than figs”
(Antony
and Cleopatra).
I don’t know what taxes are. I don’t even know what money is. I just know I have food and water and a warm
lap to sit on. And my wonderful
Pops. Life is really good. Purr.
You know, of course, that I don’t drink. But that doesn’t prevent me from challenging
you with a compendium of some rock n roll lyrics about alcoholic
beverages. You like quizzes, don’t you? Humor me.
My mind is still a little fuzzy, and I have to fill this blog up. Here are the questions. Remember, the songs are about alcohol. Answers later.
1. Who
lost his jigger of salt?
2. Where
did the Captain say they hadn’t had those spirits here since 1969?
3. Good
ol’ boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye, but what were they singing?
4. When
the microphone smelled like a beer, what did the piano sound like?
5. I
met a gin-soaked barroom queen in Memphis.
Weekly
Word: A
compendium is a collection of detailed information about a
particular subject. In this case, boozy
rock n roll.
I don’t know what else to talk about today. Maybe some new crazy idea I have or maybe
something that makes me angry. Let’s try
both. Here’s
the new idea. It’s for you ladies out
there, and I like it a lot. Wardrobe
History Tags. Attached to the
hanger holding that cute little black dress will hang one of my Wardrobe
History Tags, a small, round, smart, voice-analytic device. We’ll call her Dressy. When you pick
out what you’re wearing tonight, just press the button and say, “Dressy, I’m
going to Tony’s tonight with Fred and Ethel.”
Dressy will respond, “Hello, Carol. You wore this dress to Tony’s last November,
but you’ve never worn it with Fred and Ethel.
It’s ok to wear it tonight. Try
those little black boots with the silver buckles. The pink nail-polish will look fabulous!”
And what makes me angry? Silly political correctness. Now they’re even changing the Bible. Yes, the Catholic bishops have come out with
a revised Bible which has replaced “booty” with “treasure” and “fine flour”
with “bran flour” and God knows (appropriately) what else. Of course, the Reform Rabbis have already
changed the Torah to expunge any reference to God as a man by changing Father to Parent and King
to Ruler to avoid bruising
any tender feelings. It’s all very
politically correct. Re-write The Bible
to avoid all references to gender, harmful foods, sexual preference or
non-efficient light bulbs.
The
words of the Bible are pleasant
But
they must be brought to the present
So
now what is right
Is
“Let There Be Light
“As Long As
It’s Not Incandescent”
Be
fruitful and use Common Core. And who knows what they’re going to do with My
Cup Runneth Over. I think that’s
the name of Stormy Daniels’ new book.
(Ok, I’m not proud of that.)
And here’s another thing. I have always wondered why, in a movie, they
have to show the actors smoking. Yes, we
all did it back in the 50s and 60s, but the story would not be changed if we
eliminated the smoking, would it? I
mean, he didn’t burn the girl to death with his cigarette butt. And don’t give me the argument about
historical accuracy. That didn’t seem to
bother anybody when the show Hamilton
made George Washington black.
It’s time to
leave now. Here are your answers to the
alcoholic questions:
1. Jimmy
Buffet – Margaritaville
2. Hotel
California. (Eagles)
3. Bye
Bye Miss American Pie. (Don McLean).
4. A
carnival. (Piano Man, Billy Joel)
5. Honky
Tonk Woman. (Rolling Stones)
I hope you enjoyed today’s issue, kind of a
hodge-podge of weirdness, like it always is, and I hope you have a lovely
week. Stay well, count your blessings
and be back next Thursday. I’ll be
there.
Michael Send
comments to mfox1746@gmail.com
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