Blog #422                                         April 10, 2025

 

I have many friends who are doctors.  My son-in-law is a doctor and, of course, all my doctors are doctors.  And I have great respect for their dedication and for the time and effort they invested to earn their degrees.  Having said that, I have a little bone to pick with doctors.  And it ain’t no metatarsal.  My wife and I belong to a country club and in the lobby, there is a big board with a list of all the members.  The names are in alphabetical order: John Ames, Frederick Atwater, Rocky Balboa, etc.  But any member who is a doctor has an MD after his name.  You have every right to be proud of what you have accomplished, but this is a country club -- a group of folks who want to get together to eat, drink and play golf -- and nobody gives a rat’s divot if you are a doctor or not.  Yes, you’re successful and rich and highly trained and all that, but so is a plumber or an accountant or a guy who sells street signs, but you don’t see their professions plastered after their names.  And some members have DDS after their name.  Seriously?  One guy even has DVM.  Now that’s insulting.  And bottom line, nobody cares what you are.  You’re just Fred or Joe or Sally.  Take all those letters away from your name and put up your handicap instead.  Then we’ll see how proud you are.

 

Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you’re feeling well.  In two days, we will celebrate Passover in remembrance of the liberation of the Jewish people from slavery in Egypt.  Let me refresh your memory: the ten plagues, the parting of the Red Sea, Charlton Heston.  How could you forget?  We call it The Days of Wine and Moses. Late in the story, after the Jews have fled across the Red Sea to safety, Moses shows up with some commandments.

 

Originally, Moses only had two Commandments, Thou shalt not kill and Thou shalt not wear brown sandals with a black yarmulke, but, as he was coming down the mountain, he ran into a couple of slick salesmen.  Moses could never resist a good deal. 

 

He had two Commandments, but then

He met these two fast-talking men

“More Commandments, you see

And besides, they’re all free.”

In that case, he said, I’ll take ten.

 

Those were the Gefilte brothers, Harry and Sol, who then convinced Moses to buy their whole supply of spoiled fish and eat that instead of shellfish.  And that is how Moses became the first April Fool. 

 

Oy, am I in trouble for that story!  God is probably looking on Amazon right now to find a plague for me.  “Hey, God, with all due respect, Covid was enough!  And the last couple of Presidents!”   I’m not really worried. God loves a good story.  I knew that as soon as I read about the Virgin Mary.  Oy, now I’m in trouble with the Jews, the Christians and God.  In hockey, they call that a Hat Trick.  The Jews call it a Yarmulke Trick.

 

By the way, what do you say to God when He sneezes?  Ok, I’d better stop playing with God here.  In Job 38:12, God counters Job’s arrogance by asking, “Have you ever in all your life commanded a day to dawn?”  I can’t even command a cat to get off my pillow.  And I would not even think of commanding my wife to do anything.  You think those plagues were tough?

 

Hey, you want to buy TikTok?  I think the Israeli government is trying to buy it.  They’ll change the name to SchtikTok and merge it with their very popular social media site which is a combination dating site and gossip exchange.  It’s called YENTA.

 

Message from Shakespeare:  I am not yet so low that my nails can’t reach into thine eyes! (Hamlet).  Cats have social media too.  We have Cat-Chat and Mew-Tube.  And we love to gossip.  Where do you think the phrase, she has her claws out, came from?  Purr.

 

Tomorrow is National Pet Day, and I love my pet, Shakespeare.  He’s such a good boy. My daughter in North Carolina has pet chickens.  On National Pet Day, she always brings them in to watch a movie.  Their favorite chick flicks are:

 

·        A Few Good Hens

·        The Maltese Chicken

·        A Flock-Work Orange

·        Some Like It Fried

·        Pulp Chicken

 

In honor of National Pet Day, I have a dog joke.  Fritz and Pedro are out walking their dogs.  Fritz has a big, beautiful German Shepherd; Pedro a tiny Chihuahua.  It’s a warm day and Fritz says, “Let’s go into that bar and get a beer.”  Pedro replies, “The sign says NO PETS ALLOWED.”   Fritz says, “Watch this.”  He puts on dark sunglasses and, with perfect sangfroid, saunters into the bar with the German Shepherd.  A few minutes later he comes out looking refreshed.  “Well?” asks Pedro.  “No sweat,” says Fritz, “with the dark glasses they thought I was blind and that the German Shepherd was my seeing-eye dog.  The beer was great.” 

 

So Pedro borrows the dark glasses and heads into the bar where he is immediately accosted by a burly bouncer.  “No dogs, Mister,” he barks.  Pedro responds with confidence, “Can’t you see I’m blind?  This animal is my seeing-eye dog.”  “No chance, Bozo,” growls the bouncer.  “That’s a Chihuahua.”  “What?” shrieks Pedro.  “They gave me a Chihuahua?”

 

We used to have a dog named Alex.  After writing that joke, I started thinking about him and I commented that Alex was a wonderful dog and that I missed him sleeping on my pillow.  Carol said, “That’s alright, you’ll see him in Doggy Heaven.”  Doggy Heaven?  First of all, I’m not even sick.  And second, is that where she thinks I’m going?  Doggy Heaven?  I guess I’m nothing more than an Alta-Cocker Spaniel to her.  Probably on our wedding night she thought to herself, “What! They gave me a Chihuahua.

 

I’d better stop now.  If I make you laugh any more, you might hurt a rib.  But we need a Weekly Word.  How about Sangfroid?  It means composure and coolness under trying circumstances.   Ok, no more laughs, not until next week.  Stay well, count your blessings and have a joyous, peaceful Passover.

 

Michael, JD, BA, ΦΒΚ, ΟΔΚ, ΦΗΣ 

 

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