Blog #406                                December 19, 2024

 

Drones.  Big drones.  Drones the size of SUVs.  They are large, fulgent and mysterious.   Are they from Iran?  Are they from A Galaxy Far Far Away?  Are we being invaded by aliens?  The astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson said “The universe is under no obligation to make sense to you.”  He also said, recently, that if he were an alien come to Earth to observe the human race, he wouldn’t have chosen New Jersey.

 

Well, have no fears.  Our government will handle it.  The Army, the Air Force, the CIA, Homeland Security, Planned Parenthood – somebody knows what it’s all about and they will inform and protect us.  Except that’s not happening, at least on Saturday when I’m writing this.  No one knows, no one is concerned, no one wants to tell us anything.  It’s all in our imagination.  The IRS can find a dollar and a half from 2003 that we haven’t paid tax on, but the government cannot follow a flying object the size of a bus.  What happened to radar, sonar, J-dar?  I guarantee you, if Taylor Swift were in one of those drones, they’d know.   

 

I have been researching the actress Helen Hunt.  She is 61, went to UCLA, was married to Hank Azaria and won an Academy Award for As Good as it Gets.  I’m doing this because I decided to call my Congresswoman’s office to get an answer to this drone mystery.  When I politely asked for an explanation, the nice assistant told me I could go to Helen Hunt for it.  I sure hope she answers the phone.

 

Message from Shakespeare – Hell is empty and all the devils are here (The Tempest).  It sure seems like all the devils are here if you watch the news, but I’m neither a Republi-cat nor a Demo-cat, so I don’t know.  But if Pops wants to go to Hell and hunt for something, maybe he could find me an extra leg.  Purr.

 

Hi there.  Are you back?  You bet your red-nosed reindeer you’re back.  Where else could you get such silliness?  Welcome.  This will be the last time I talk to you before the holidays begin, so I am wishing a Happy Hanukkah and a Merry Christmas to you all, plus a Feliz Navidad to all my readers in Mexico, and her cats.  With all this cold weather, Mexico sounds pretty good, doesn’t it?

 

The Mexican weather is clear

The beaches and palm trees are near

We all love to visit

So tell my why is it

That Mexicans want to come here?

 

Weekly Word – how about fulgent?  It means dazzlingly bright.

 

Carol is back from her spa trip, and she had a wonderful time.  I am very glad she is back.  She is now busy getting ready for the holiday celebrations by making reservations.  My wife knows more about reservations than Geronimo.  She just told me that she’s made a reservation (round table and all) at a very expensive restaurant to celebrate one of her friend’s birthday.  “Oh,” she added, “we’ll count that as your birthday too.”  Really?  I just get tossed in as an afterthought and not even asked where I would like to go on my birthday?  Well, yes, People.  That’s how it works in my family.  I am not exactly at the top of the Official C. Fox Priority Chart.  I have just recently seen a copy of the current Priority Chart, and it goes like this.  At the top come her First Tier Friends. Then, in order, come her children, her Second Tier Friends, her grandchildren, her Third Tier Friends, the women on The View, Luigi Mangione, the cat and me.  Hey, at least I made the list.

 

I’d better not get aggravated, or I’ll set off my pacemaker.  Next Tuesday is Christmas Eve, and that will mark the fifteenth anniversary of the Christmas Eve that my heart stopped and I needed that little fellow implanted in my chest.  Nice to know we’re both doing great. 

 

A couple of years ago, a plumber came by to fix a broken handle in my shower.  He only replaced the COLD but they come in a set, so I had an extra handle.  He said save it for when the HOT breaks.  It did last night.  So this morning I got out the handle, read the instructions and immediately had a panic attack.  I can’t do this; I can never do things like this.  I will flood the condo and blow up the entire block and break a nail.  Oscar Wilde said, “Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes”, and I have a universe of experience in that regard.  I was terrified.

 

Here were the instructions:  unscrew the screw, pull off the old handle, put on the new handle, screw it in.  Shakespeare, with one paw, could do that.  But the killer was -- First, turn off the water, so I went to the laundry room.  There were two valves – one said hot water, one said all water.  Very clearly marked.  Nonetheless, I felt like the scene in every James Bond movie where the bomb is ticking down to explosion and James has to cut one of a dozen colored wires and if he chooses the wrong one, he will be fatally shaken, not stirred.  But he always does it right and the countdown always stops at 007.  I chose the one marked all water and turned.  Nothing catastrophic happened.  Then I went back to the shower to do steps 1,2 and 3.  It took 12 seconds.  Then back to turn the water valve, where I discovered I had forgotten which way I had turned it to shut it off.  Well, it would only turn one way, so that must be right.  Then back to the shower to turn the new handle.  It worked.  I could not have been more pleased if I had discovered fire.  I walked, smiling, back into my study where I noticed my clock had stopped at 007. 

 

And now it’s time for me to stop as well.  If you’re a Christian, have a Merry Christmas.  If you’re Jewish, have a Happy Hanukkah.  If you’re Mennonite, Monday is National Pfeffernüsse Day.  Look it up.  But whatever you are, wherever you are, stay well and count your holiday blessings.  See you next week.

 

James – James Bond                          Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com