Blog #391                                September 5, 2024

 

A concerned and loyal reader told me he was not satisfied with my recovery and suggested I get a second opinion.  That sounded reasonable, so I called my doctor.  I told the doctor he had diagnosed me with pneumonia, but now I wanted a second opinion.  “Okay,” he said, “you’re ugly too.”  So much for second opinions and old jokes.  Hi there and welcome back.  How the hell are you?  I hope you are feeling well.  Did you have a nice Labor Day?  It’s the beginning of Fall, the beginning of school, the end of swimming.  We had a lovely barbecue get-together with some friends – it was very nice.  At one point, all five women were sitting around a table screaming at their Apple Watches, “Hey, Siri, what time is it in Jerusalem?”  Seriously.  With all five of them talking, Siri couldn’t figure out which yenta was which, so the watches kept giving the wrong time.  I don’t have an Apple Watch.  I have a Crapple Watch.  It does one thing; it tells me what time it is.  It doesn’t tell me the dew point or the phone number of the nearest Starbucks, or my blood pressure or today’s Wordle or the temperature in Jerusalem.  It tells me the time.  That’s all.  And if it’s off by a minute or two, well, the world will not come to an end.

 

This is Week Four of Pneumonia.  I’m pretty much fed up with it.  I’m beginning to feel like Edmond Dantés scratching himself out of the Chateau d’If.  Is this ever going to end?  One thing I miss is taking a walk every morning around our neighborhood.  Almost every morning I would see this charming couple, in their 80s, I guess.  They ambulate slowly but steadily up the street and back, and each wears a floppy hat, a long-sleeved safari shirt and long pants.  The charming part is that they hold hands continuously.  Do you know the difference between continuously and continually?  Continuous is non-stop, happening every microsecond.  On a beautiful day, the Sun shines continuously.  Continual is often, but off and on.  A person with a sore throat coughs continually.  Am I not just a bottomless cornucopia of useless what-nots?  Don’t worry, there won’t be a quiz.

 

But there is a Weekly Word.  It’s ambulate, which means to move around.

 

Sometimes, Carol and I walk at the same time but, unlike the couple holding hands, we don’t walk together.  In fact, we don’t even leave the building from the same door.  She goes upstairs and leaves from the main entrance like the aristocracy and I go downstairs and leave by the side door where the trash dumpster is.  It’s where I belong.  That’s what I get for being useless, but, like my Crapple Watch, I still have one thing I can do pretty well:

 

All morning, all day and all night

I’m wrong all the time – never right

It’s a good thing that still

I’m left with one skill

To write poems that always rhyme perfectly.

 

Message from Shakespeare:  The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool (As You Like It).  Well, I can do lots of things well.  I can jump on the bed at 5:00 in the morning and meow in Pops’ ear.  I can spit up fur balls on the carpet.  I can fill up an entire lap.  And, best of all, I can purr.  Purr.

 

Besides playing with Shakespeare, one activity I can do while sitting at home is play bridge online.  It’s very easy, and you can meet interesting people.  One time, my partner turned out to be Kamala Harris.  Yes, our Vice-President.  I didn’t like playing with her.  The only bid she ever made was NO TRUMP.

 

I don’t know about you, but I’m getting old.  I’m as old as Cher.  We’re 78.  Plus, I’m old enough to be able to hum all the following songs.  Can you:

 

·        All I really want to do is Baby be friends with you (Sonny & Cher)

·        The answer is blowin’ in the wind (Peter, Paul & Mary)

·        Don’t think twice, it’s alright (Peter, Paul & Mary)

·        Well it ain’t me Babe (The Turtles)

·        Hey, Mr. Tambourine Man (The Byrds)

·        You’ll not see nothing like the Mighty Quinn (Manfred Mann)

 

How did you do?  Could you hum them all?  Do you know what all those songs have in common?  They were all written by a nice Jewish boy named Bob Zimmerman, who you probably know as Bob Dylan.  Bob is 83.

 

I was recently asked to pick a famous couple that my wife and I resemble.   One of those pointless wastes of cranial energy we call a Carol Question.  Like -- “Would you rather be an ugly tall-person or a beautiful midget?”  That one kept me up all night.  Anyway, famous couple.  Let’s see – how about George and Gracie?  No, I hate cigars.  Lucy and Desi?  No, my wife doesn’t have red hair.  Taylor and Travis?  Who am I kidding?  I finally decided we most resemble Rocky and Bullwinkle.  Carol would be Rocky of course.  Rocky the Flying Squirrel was small and fast and smart and made all the decisions.  Bullwinkle J. Moose was loyal and steady and goofy, always getting it wrong, always getting in trouble, always getting lost.  Probably had a Crapple Watch.

 

Actually, in my heart, I like to think of Carol and me as Rob and Laura Petrie.  He, like Bullwinkle, was goofy and got everything wrong, but he was good at making people laugh and she – well, she was Mary Tyler Moore.

 

I have to go now.  I have to clean up the house before the cleaning person arrives.  Do you do that?  Why do we all do that?  We hire someone to clean the house, then clean the house before the cleaner arrives.  It makes no sense.  It’s like cooking your own dinner and taking it to a restaurant.  It’s like cutting your own hair before you go the barber.  It’s like writing your own blog instead of reading mine.  Don’t you dare do that.  I’ll handle the blogging, thank you very much; you handle the laughter.  Please stay safe, count your blessings and try to find some fun in this crazy world.  See you next week.

 

Bullwinkle                                         Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com