Blog #369                                         April 4, 2024

 

I don’t know what I’m going to talk about today.  I’ve talked enough about hospitals and all that, but I would like to say that I am very lucky indeed to have so many loyal friends and followers who sent me their well-wishes for my surgery.  Thank you, thank you.  You are very nice people.  Actually, I have one more thing to say about the hospital.  They ask you a million questions.  You’ve been through it.  Do you smoke?  Do you drink alcohol?  Do you use recreational drugs?  Do you dress up like a bunny rabbit?

 

And, of course, there was a questionnaire to fill in.  It was pretty straightforward until I got to the question about gender and there were these choices:  Choose Not to Disclose, Female, Genderqueer, Male, Other.  I swear that’s the truth.  I have three questions:

 

First – What?

 

Second – What’s this Choose Not to Disclose category?  It’s your doctor.  You don’t want to tell your doctor what gender you are?  If I had a doctor who didn’t know what gender I was, I’d get a new doctor.

 

Third – Did you notice that Male was 4^th on the list?  Male is now the 4^th most popular gender?  Beam me up, Scotty.

 

Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you’re feeling well and not succumbing to all the negative things in your life.  To succumb, our Weekly Word, is to give in to pressure, temptation, or some other negative force, and I know we all have those negatives in our lives.  Aging issues, health issues – I don’t have to list them for you.  I have them too.

 

Sometimes an old man, pushing eighty

Might think that his troubles are weighty

Don’t give in to that curse

Because things could be worse

Just be glad you’re not living in Haiti

 

The situation in Haiti is a terrible story, isn’t it?  That’s why I tell you each week to count your blessings, or, as Oscar Wilde said, “If you don’t get everything you want, think of the things you don’t get that you don’t want.”  And you think I’m confusing!  Now don’t get nervous about counting your blessings.  It doesn’t include any math. I know you don’t do math, but you’re not alone.  Four out of three people struggle with math.  Just carry the two and count your toes and trust me.  You’ll need all those toes to figure out today’s postage rates.  Did you know that today it costs sixty-eight cents to mail a letter?  Every once in a while, the Post Office even threatens to discontinue the mail.

 

People are very protective of their mail even though almost nothing of importance arrives in your mailbox any more.  Checks go directly into your account.  Bills come by email.  Nobody writes you a letter.  Even my humble blog comes to you through the Internet universe.  Still, mail is very important to us.  If, one day, we stopped getting our coupons for 20% off on hearing aids and our invitations to tour the “elderly facility”, we would take to the streets. 

 

Did you enjoy Easter Sunday?  Easter reminds me of eggs which remind me of chickens.  My oldest daughter has pet chickens and she is an advocate for Chicken Rights – The Declaration of Hen-dependence and all that.  When we go to a restaurant, she, of course, will not eat chicken, but she’ll tolerate if I eat a chicken dish, as long as they were free-range birds.  That means these high-class poultry enjoyed air-conditioning, soft beds and smart TVs with NetChicks and the Chickelodeon Network.  Then the chef chopped their heads off and cooked them in marsala sauce.  Delicious.

 

Right after Easter was April Fools’ Day.  We don’t celebrate April Fools’ Day in our house.  Carol says I’m a fool every day.  She and I did have an argument though.  She said it was Monday and I insisted it was Tuesday.  She was right, of course.  I haven’t been right since I told her O.J. was guilty.

 

I just saw Bill Clinton on the news.  He was doing some kind of fund-raiser for President Biden.  Recently, there was a nationwide vote taken to determine The Biggest Presidential Liar of all time.  Bill Clinton was voted First but claimed it depended on what the word “liar” meant.  Donald Trump was chosen Second but bragged he was First.

 

How is it possible that in a country of 341 million people, we can’t find better choices than Biden and Trump?  It might be better just to run the Lottery and, instead of giving the winner a billion dollars, make the winner the President.  It couldn’t be much worse!

 

And don’t tell me you haven’t fantasized about winning the lottery.  What would you do first?  Travel?  Charity?  Politics?  I know at that Democratic fund-raiser you could have bought three Presidents for a hundred thousand.  Maybe you’d throw the biggest party ever and invite all the famous people you always wanted to meet.  If you could meet anybody in the world, who would you choose?  Taylor Swift?  Elon Musk?  The Pope?  Whatever’s left of Oprah?  The most famous person I ever met was Donald Trump, I guess.  That’s true – met him, shook his hand.  I remember he reminded me of Tony the Tiger.  He was big and orange and he claimed that everything he did was Grrrrrrrreat!

 

Sorry, I had some things to get off my chest, and now that I’ve had that chest reduction, I’ll be back next week with some humor.  In the interim, work on your math by counting your toes. If you come up with ten, you’re fine.  If you come up with 15, you’re my cat.  Actually, that’s not true.  Cats only have four toes on the back feet, so Shakespeare has 13 toes. 

 

Message from Shakespeare:  Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears (Julius Caesar).  And if you have an extra leg, I could use that too.  Purr.

 

Looks like it’s time to go.  As I always say, stay well and count your blessings.  As Mr. Spock says, live long and prosper.  As Lester Holt says each night, take care of yourself and each other.  As the Army recruiter says, be all that you can be.  And as my wife often says, if the Queen had balls, she’d be the King.  Words to live by.  See you next week.

 

Michael                          Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com