Blog #372                                         April 25, 2024

 

Yes, It’s me.  I’m sending this out Wednesday night because I’m in California and if I send it out in the morning, it will be 10:00 in the Midwest and you’ll start to panic.  Be calm, people.  I’m here for you.  Let’s get started.

 

Last week, my granddaughter needed some help crafting a school assignment about Macbeth, so she called me.  Naturally, I hopped into my car and went right over.  Words on Wheels – We Deliver.  That seems to be the only skill I have, putting words together.   You know I can’t do anything else.

 

Consider me one of the nerds

Construction is just for the birds

Can’t drywall or paint

And a plumber I ain’t

My talent is only with words

 

 I have written so many things over the years:

 

·        Poems for birthdays and weddings and anniversaries

·        Songs for birthdays, etc.

·        Eulogies

·        Letters to the Editor

·        Letters to my daughters

·        Songs for a couple of shows we put on

·        A rhyming Dr. Seuss-ish book about a little girl who wanted to be President

·        Invitations

·        Newsletters

·        Wedding poems that welcomed each and every guest – and rhymed

·        Strange, dark poems in my depression periods

 

And many other things.  I actually got paid once, years ago, for writing a poem for a friend of a friend of mine.  I didn’t know the lady.  She lived in New York, I think.  I can’t even remember whether it was a birthday or anniversary, but a week or so after I sent it, I received a package from Bloomingdale’s.  “Look,” I said, “that lady sent me a gift for writing the poem.”  Carol popped out of her chair like the cork from a champagne bottle and began to unwrap it.  It turned out to be a silver-plated shoehorn.  Seriously!  I got to hold it and admire it for a total of two seconds before my wife ripped it from my hands, told me I didn’t need it, returned it to Bloomie’s and bought a blouse.

 

I no longer have time to do much of that extraneous writing, because I concentrate on writing to you every week.  That would be your warning not to ask me to write anything personal for you.  Besides, the price of blouses has gone up.

 

Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you’re feeling well and enjoying the warmer weather.  Carol and I are in California this week visiting my daughter Stephanie and her kids.  For the first time, Carol and I decided to fly with just a carry-on each.  The last time we travelled west, we had more luggage than Lewis and Clark, but we managed to get it done.  There was one glitch, however.  Our Southwest boarding passes were in the high Bs, so I put our carry-ons in the first overheads I could find, row-18.  We sat in row-26.  No problem; I’ll grab them on the way out.  But, when we landed in Long Beach for the first leg, we were informed that the plane would be unloading down the stairways in front and back.  I haven’t exited the back of a plane in 40 years.  When the plane landed, half of the passengers headed toward the back while I tried to move forward to row-18.  The ensuing confusion was like crabs trying to climb out of a bucket.  Have you ever watched crabs climbing out of a bucket?  One crab can climb out easily, but when there are many crabs, the one climbing out first will be grabbed by the crabs behind him and pulled back down.  None of the crabs can escape when the rest are dragging them back.  I felt like one of those crabs.  What a way to meet people! 

 

Last week, Carol and I attended the funeral of Ken Holtzman, one of our classmates and a very famous baseball player.  Funerals somehow fill me with strange thoughts.  As I looked around at the mourners, most of whom were my age, I noticed that we all seemed to be getting shorter.  But that’s ok, I thought.  It just means we’ll have less of a fall when they drop us in the ground.  When we left, our car was at the back of a long line, but by backing out, I was able to save a lot of time.  And I thought – does backing up in a cemetery make you live longer?  Does it make you think strange thoughts?

 

I just saw Joe Biden waxing vainglorious over the news that 18 members of the Kennedy family have endorsed him.  The Kennedy family?  Seriously?  Who cares about the Kennedy family?  It’s been sixty years since the Kennedy’s were in power.  Haven’t we gotten over them yet?  Apparently Joe hasn’t because he seemed thrilled to have found all those people with the Kennedy name and bad teeth to vote for him instead of RFK, Jr.  Which brings up the obvious question:  How many Kennedys does it take to screw up an election?

 

Weekly Word – today the word is vainglorious, which means having or showing excessive pride.  Words on Wheels again.

 

Next week is May Day, a day set aside to honor the Workers of the World.  Actually, it’s just a good excuse to go out and get drunk. And then there’s Cinco de Mayo.  Nobody really cares what the holiday is anyway?  If you get drunk enough, the Fourth Of July, Christmas and Election Day all feel the same.  Come to think of it, we might all need to get drunk on Election Day. 

 

Election Day reminds me a lot of Christmas.  They both are about some old, white man promising to give us free stuff.  The difference is that they don’t celebrate Christmas in Washington, D.C.  That’s because they can’t find three Wise Men.

 

Message from Shakespeare:  This is my birthday; as this very day was Cassius born (Julius Caesar).  Tuesday was my birthday.  I was five and nobody was home to wish me Happy Birthday.  I’m sad.  When he gets home, I’m going to give him such a bite! Meow.

 

Ok, gotta go.  I have to pack up and get ready to come home to St. Louis.  I’ll try to put my carry-on in the right aisle this time.  See you next week.  Stay well and count your blessings.  And Happy Birthday to Shakespeare.  He’s such a good boy.

 

Michael                                     Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com

 

 

 

Blog #371                                         April 18, 2024

 

I went to get a routine blood test this morning at the hospital.  I had the paperwork, so I just asked directions at the reception area.  The lab was right next to the reception and the nice young lady told me I could register using the kiosk or just write my name on the clipboard.  There were 6 or 8 people, already registered and waiting to be called, and one man working the computer in the kiosk.  I stood behind him.  After all, I’m a modern kind of guy.  I can manage each week to write you a blog, so I’m certain I can navigate my way through a little kiosk .  I mean, what could go wrong?  I can read English; my IQ is higher than the average bear; my reading glasses are strong enough.  What could go wrong? 

 

The guy in front of me was now frantically tapping buttons and cursing.  He looked to be a tad younger than me.  I waited.  I mean, why should I surrender to the demons of progress by admitting my uselessness and incompatibility with the modern world?  I am not going to give up and ask for help.  I’m smart enough and determined enough and capable enough to get through this.  The man in front of me was now alternately feeding his insurance card through one slot in the machine and then retrieving it as it was rejected from a different slot.  He began looking over his shoulder toward the young lady at the reception desk.  I had now been standing behind him for four minutes or so, but I was still determined to persevere and to validate my masculinity and worthiness.  The nice lady approached the man and began to help him feed his driver’s license into another slot while slapping the monitor with her shoe.  I went to the clipboard and wrote my name.  Thirty seconds later, I was called and my blood was drawn.  I knew that kiosk was a bad idea.   

 

Do you remember when TikTok was the sound of a clock, when “gay” meant happy and carefree, when “Amazon” was a river, when O.J. stood for orange juice?  Orenthal James (O.J.) Simpson has died.  What a monstrous, omnipresent and divisive episode that was in our lives back in the 1990s.  You all remember it and I don’t have to remind you, but do you also remember that the O.J. saga was the first time we ever heard the name Kardashian?  Robert Kardashian was Simpson’s friend and kind-of lawyer and father of what have now become a gaggle of media royalty that include Kim, Khloe and Kourtney.  Somewhere in that K-mart, you can also find Kris, Kylie, Kendall and Caitlyn and --- goodness, do I really care?

 

Hi there and welcome back.  Are you feeling well?  I hope so.  The weather is getting warmer and Passover is approaching.  Carol and I are going to California for Passover.  California has its own set of plagues, but it also has my middle daughter and my two youngest grandchildren, so off we go.  I will tell you all about it next week. 

 

What should we talk about this week?  Robert, a friend of mine, recommended a book to me, a memoir by Larry McMurtry that engulfs his career as a book collector and seller.  The name of the book is Books.  I looked it up on Amazon by typing B-O-O-K-S in their search window, and was rewarded with the iconic Amazon book department complete with all 33 million titles for sale.  So, once again, I typed in B-O-O-K-S.  Nothing happened.  Amazon was confused.  Maybe I need a kiosk.  So I went to the library. 

 

What do you want?  A book.

What’s the name of the book?  Books.

Do you want more than one book?  No, just one.

Then what’s the name of the book?  Books.

Who’s on first?  Yes.

 

Ok, this is getting soporific, so let’s move on.  In fact, let’s move on to the definition of our Weekly Word, soporific, which means likely to cause sleep.  Where does he come up with these words, I hear you cry.  My granddaughter wonders the same thing.  Every time she has a vocabulary quiz coming up, I help her study the new words, and she is constantly amazed that I know every one.

 

If it’s fractious, frenetic or fission

He knows every damn definition

I think he must carry

His own dictionary

Like an elderly verbal magician.

 

And speaking of words, I heard a new word yesterday.  We all believe that medical workers and first responders are heroes.  But some woman, a Governor I believe, called them Heroes and Sheroes.  Hey, I understand that female letter-carriers should not be called mailmen.  We’ve accepted that.  But most words that start with HE do not have any gender reference.  If we get a birthday balloon for a girl, is it filled with shelium?  Does the First Lady ride in a shelicopter?  Do women, when they die, go to Sheaven or Shell?  It all gives me the sheebie-jeebies.

 

Let’s end with a joke.  Do we have time for a joke?  You’re not going anywhere, are you?  Ok, here it is.  George takes Stella to a nice restaurant to celebrate their 20^th Anniversary.  During dinner, a lovely young woman comes to their table and gives George a huge hug and a sloppy kiss.  “Who was that!” says Stella with appropriate venom.  George replies that the woman was his mistress.  “What?  Your mistress?  I can’t believe it, George.  I want a divorce immediately.”  George reminds her that if they divorce, she will no longer have her Mercedes or her Country Club or her shopping sprees at Saks.  Stella is silent.  Minutes later, Stella sees a neighbor, Frank, dining with another lovely young woman.  “Who is that woman with Frank,” she asks.  George tells her it’s Frank’s mistress.  She looks again, turns to George and says, “Ours is cuter.

 

Message from Shakespeare:  Parting is such sweet sorrow (Romeo and Juliet).  Did I hear him say he was going to California?  I hate when he goes away.  And I hate his jokes too.  Purr.

 

I’m sorry.  I will miss my Shakespeare.  And I’ll miss all of you for the next seven days, but I’ll see you next Thursday.  Stay well and count your blessings.

 

Michael                                    Sent comments to mfox1746@gmail.com.

 

 

 

Blog #370                                         April 11, 2024

 

I bought some cat litter for Shakespeare and had it delivered to the front door.  I’m not supposed to carry anything heavy just yet and the container weighs 20 pounds.  It’s not that far from the front door to the porch, but still.  I went to the porch and looked around.  My grandchildren used to love playing on my screened-in porch, which is still packed with their toys, but now that Shakespeare has taken over the porch, I’ve begun to throw out some of the older toys – worn, plastic contraptions with buttons and pull things that used to make noise.  I cannot bring myself to throw away the little red vacuum cleaner that Zachary (now 22) loved when he was two, but there, in a dark corner, was an old stroller that the girls used for their dolls -- faded, useless, dusty, a veteran of eight grandchildren.   It’s time to throw that old thing away.  But then an idea occurred to me.  I rolled the poor stroller to the front door, and it was the perfect size to transport the litter container out to its storage destination. It goes to show you that old and useless things, your humble servant included, need not always be discarded.  I dusted off the ancient and decrepit doll-stroller, cleaned it with some Windex and found it a nice, bright and prominent spot in the sunshine.

 

Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you’re feeling well and getting ready for Passover, when Jews celebrate their liberation from slavery in Egypt.  Passover is when God used ten plagues to convince the Pharoah to let the Jewish people go.  I have recently begun to notice a disturbing similarity between the ancient plagues of Egypt and certain current events.  For instance,

 

·        One of the plagues God used was called murrain, a disease of livestock, and what do we have now – bird flu, which is causing poultry producers to destroy millions of chickens.

·        Egypt had darkness, and we just had a solar eclipse.

·        Egypt had hail.  Did we not recently have horrible hailstorms in the Midwest?

·        And what about locusts?  This year, 2024, will mark the Double-Cicada Emergence during which trillions (yes, trillions) of locusts will descend upon the United States.  I am not making this up.

·        Still another of the ancient plagues was the turning of the Nile into blood, and don’t we have the Middle East awash in the blood of the Israelis and Palestinians?  That’s enough coincidences for me to order an extra bowl of matzo-ball soup.

 

And what about bridges collapsing in Baltimore and all these earthquakes?  A recent earthquake in Taiwan shook large buildings off their foundations and left them awkwardly askew.  Then there was an earthquake in New York.  In 1990, if any of you remembers, there was a self-proclaimed climatologist named Iben Browning, an avuncular-looking old gentleman, who predicted that there would be a huge earthquake centered around the New Madrid fault in Missouri.  Bridges over the Mississippi would collapse, the river itself would run backwards and the Midwest would be devastated.  And all of this would happen precisely on December 3^rd.  Most people realized this Browning character was a nut, but others panicked.  Schools in five states closed on December 3^rd, and many people fled St. Louis in fear.  December 3^rd came and went, nothing happened, and everyone went back to focusing on the important news of the day – Jane Fonda’s engagement to Ted Turner.

 

I hope you didn’t mind that little history lesson.  And how about avuncular as our Weekly Word?  Avuncular means looking or behaving like a kind and friendly uncle, like a person who would have a porch full of toys. 

 

Message from Shakespeare:  Here is none of my uncle’s mark upon you (As You Like It).  I like all those dusty toys on my porch.  Sometimes I even curl up on that old stroller.  It’s the purr-fect size.  Meow.

 

Shakey is a good little cat.  People ask me why I chose a three-legged cat.  Well, the three-legged elephant wouldn’t fit in my car. 

 

Did you enjoy the eclipse?  I admit I didn’t give it much attention:

 

They say it’s a wonderful sight

To watch the moon blocking the light

But what’s so unique?

When each day of the week

I can watch it get dark every night.

 

How about a joke.  A Jewish man goes sailing.  Wait, that’s already funny.  Jews don’t sail.  If Jews could sail, God would not have needed to part the Red Sea.  Ok, sorry, back to the joke.  So he sails out and gets shipwrecked on a Desert Isle.  Now that sounds more like a Jewish man – lost and useless.  This schmuck is on the island for two years until, at last, a rescue ship arrives.  The rescuer says, “I see you have built three buildings out of driftwood.  A Jewish man building?  I can’t hang a picture without breaking the frame, the wall and my thumb.  “What are these buildings for?” asks the rescuer.  The guy replies, “That one’s my home.  Next to it is my Synagogue and the other one is the Synagogue I wouldn’t be caught dead in.”

 

I will now digress into a grammatical diatribe for the express reason that my Spellchecker has informed me that the above sentence that includes “how about a joke” is a question and should be followed by the appropriate punctuation.  To me, a question is an utterance that seeks information in the form of a response.  Some series of words that look like questions really are not asking for an answer.  They are called Hypothetical.  Like Who knows, or Is the Pope Catholic, or What the f**k!  

 

I am reading the part of Milton’s Paradise Lost where Adam (Remember Adam?  He was the first chauvinist.) is talking to one of the Angels.  I will paraphrase.  He says, “I understand that nature has made the woman inferior in the mind but excellent in outward appearance.”  I told you he was a chauvinist.  I guess that means he’s not going to be chosen as Joe Biden’s running mate.  I think Joe and Adam graduated together.

 

Well, you’ve put up with enough of my history lessons and strange words.  Will I be back next Thursday?  Is the Pope Catholic?  Stay well, count your blessings and watch out for locusts.

 

Michael                                    Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com

 

 

 

  

 

Blog #369                                         April 4, 2024

 

I don’t know what I’m going to talk about today.  I’ve talked enough about hospitals and all that, but I would like to say that I am very lucky indeed to have so many loyal friends and followers who sent me their well-wishes for my surgery.  Thank you, thank you.  You are very nice people.  Actually, I have one more thing to say about the hospital.  They ask you a million questions.  You’ve been through it.  Do you smoke?  Do you drink alcohol?  Do you use recreational drugs?  Do you dress up like a bunny rabbit?

 

And, of course, there was a questionnaire to fill in.  It was pretty straightforward until I got to the question about gender and there were these choices:  Choose Not to Disclose, Female, Genderqueer, Male, Other.  I swear that’s the truth.  I have three questions:

 

First – What?

 

Second – What’s this Choose Not to Disclose category?  It’s your doctor.  You don’t want to tell your doctor what gender you are?  If I had a doctor who didn’t know what gender I was, I’d get a new doctor.

 

Third – Did you notice that Male was 4^th on the list?  Male is now the 4^th most popular gender?  Beam me up, Scotty.

 

Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you’re feeling well and not succumbing to all the negative things in your life.  To succumb, our Weekly Word, is to give in to pressure, temptation, or some other negative force, and I know we all have those negatives in our lives.  Aging issues, health issues – I don’t have to list them for you.  I have them too.

 

Sometimes an old man, pushing eighty

Might think that his troubles are weighty

Don’t give in to that curse

Because things could be worse

Just be glad you’re not living in Haiti

 

The situation in Haiti is a terrible story, isn’t it?  That’s why I tell you each week to count your blessings, or, as Oscar Wilde said, “If you don’t get everything you want, think of the things you don’t get that you don’t want.”  And you think I’m confusing!  Now don’t get nervous about counting your blessings.  It doesn’t include any math. I know you don’t do math, but you’re not alone.  Four out of three people struggle with math.  Just carry the two and count your toes and trust me.  You’ll need all those toes to figure out today’s postage rates.  Did you know that today it costs sixty-eight cents to mail a letter?  Every once in a while, the Post Office even threatens to discontinue the mail.

 

People are very protective of their mail even though almost nothing of importance arrives in your mailbox any more.  Checks go directly into your account.  Bills come by email.  Nobody writes you a letter.  Even my humble blog comes to you through the Internet universe.  Still, mail is very important to us.  If, one day, we stopped getting our coupons for 20% off on hearing aids and our invitations to tour the “elderly facility”, we would take to the streets. 

 

Did you enjoy Easter Sunday?  Easter reminds me of eggs which remind me of chickens.  My oldest daughter has pet chickens and she is an advocate for Chicken Rights – The Declaration of Hen-dependence and all that.  When we go to a restaurant, she, of course, will not eat chicken, but she’ll tolerate if I eat a chicken dish, as long as they were free-range birds.  That means these high-class poultry enjoyed air-conditioning, soft beds and smart TVs with NetChicks and the Chickelodeon Network.  Then the chef chopped their heads off and cooked them in marsala sauce.  Delicious.

 

Right after Easter was April Fools’ Day.  We don’t celebrate April Fools’ Day in our house.  Carol says I’m a fool every day.  She and I did have an argument though.  She said it was Monday and I insisted it was Tuesday.  She was right, of course.  I haven’t been right since I told her O.J. was guilty.

 

I just saw Bill Clinton on the news.  He was doing some kind of fund-raiser for President Biden.  Recently, there was a nationwide vote taken to determine The Biggest Presidential Liar of all time.  Bill Clinton was voted First but claimed it depended on what the word “liar” meant.  Donald Trump was chosen Second but bragged he was First.

 

How is it possible that in a country of 341 million people, we can’t find better choices than Biden and Trump?  It might be better just to run the Lottery and, instead of giving the winner a billion dollars, make the winner the President.  It couldn’t be much worse!

 

And don’t tell me you haven’t fantasized about winning the lottery.  What would you do first?  Travel?  Charity?  Politics?  I know at that Democratic fund-raiser you could have bought three Presidents for a hundred thousand.  Maybe you’d throw the biggest party ever and invite all the famous people you always wanted to meet.  If you could meet anybody in the world, who would you choose?  Taylor Swift?  Elon Musk?  The Pope?  Whatever’s left of Oprah?  The most famous person I ever met was Donald Trump, I guess.  That’s true – met him, shook his hand.  I remember he reminded me of Tony the Tiger.  He was big and orange and he claimed that everything he did was Grrrrrrrreat!

 

Sorry, I had some things to get off my chest, and now that I’ve had that chest reduction, I’ll be back next week with some humor.  In the interim, work on your math by counting your toes. If you come up with ten, you’re fine.  If you come up with 15, you’re my cat.  Actually, that’s not true.  Cats only have four toes on the back feet, so Shakespeare has 13 toes. 

 

Message from Shakespeare:  Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears (Julius Caesar).  And if you have an extra leg, I could use that too.  Purr.

 

Looks like it’s time to go.  As I always say, stay well and count your blessings.  As Mr. Spock says, live long and prosper.  As Lester Holt says each night, take care of yourself and each other.  As the Army recruiter says, be all that you can be.  And as my wife often says, if the Queen had balls, she’d be the King.  Words to live by.  See you next week.

 

Michael                          Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com