Blog #362                                         February15, 2024

 

Next Monday is President’s Day, when the nation will pause in its investigations, prosecutions and constant ridicule of our President and ex-President to actually honor the Office of the Presidency and the 46 men who have held the post.  Actually, there were only 45 because Grover Cleveland was both the 22^nd and the 24^th President.  Yes, the nation will pause on Monday to pay honor to our Presidents by doing what it always does – have a furniture sale.  All Federal employees will get the day off so they can buy a sectional at 80% off, no money down, no payment until Trump goes to prison.

 

Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you’re staying well and keeping warm.  Everything is going well down here in Florida, and I have nothing to complain about.  But, as Steven Wright said, “When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”  I guess I could complain about how useless I am.  Yes, I’m good with math and poetry; children love me, I’m good to my wife.  But when it comes to fixing any little thing around the condo, I’m as useless as house-slippers on a snake.

 

Look!  Up in the sky – it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s USELESSMAN – slower than the Iowa Caucus, unable to open a pickle jar.  USELESSMAN, strange visitor from another century with powers and abilities far below those of other men.  And who, disguised as a passive old man, fights a never-ending battle against getting lost, getting old and getting dressed.

 

Did you enjoy the Super Bowl?  The game was a little slow until the end, which was very exciting.  And the commercials?  I always like the Budweiser commercial with the Clydesdales.  And there was an ad for Jesus.  It was the one with various people washing other people’s feet.  I wonder if the network gave Jesus a discount.  I mean, it’s JESUS.  Although, if you think about it, he’s got plenty of money.  Jesus saves.

 

Florida is pleasantly warm, unlike St. Louis, and that’s a welcome difference.  But one thing that’s the same everywhere is the news.  The politics in this country is disappointing. The poverty all around the world is disgusting.  And the global escalation toward World War III is depressing.  They’re even depressed in the Middle East, but at least they can get help from their local clergy.

 

To cheer up if you’re in Islam

Just visit your local Imam

“If you have the blues,

Just go kill some Jews.

Here, strap on this suicide bomb.”

 

In honor of Black History Month, I’ll throw in an apposite quote from Dr. Martin Luther King: "Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that."

 

Apposite, a fine Weekly Word, means suitable, appropriate or apt.  Somehow “apposite” seems to be the opposite of “opposite”.

 

Often, when we’re out of town on Friday, mostly at my North Carolina daughter’s house, we celebrate Shabbat, the Hebrew Sabbath.  Did you notice that Sabbath and Shabbat have the same letters?  They just moved the “h”, probably because some early Christian told the Jews to get the “h” out of here.  My daughter and her family celebrate Shabbat every Friday with prayers and a challah (bread).  Her three beautiful dogs always get the first three slices of the challah, so they are eager and attentive to the service.  They even have their own prayer:  Bark Atah Adonai.  That’s a Hebrew joke.  Sorry if you didn’t get it.  Convert!

 

Message from Shakespeare:  An overflow of good converts to bad (Richard II).  I’m glad to be a Jewish pussycat.  I celebrate Purr-im and Su-cat and Yom Ki-purr.  Meow.

 

I will be back home tonight.  It’s always nice to get home.  Home is the place where, when you have to go there, you have to wait in line at the Post Office to pick up your mail.  The mail is always predictable.  Coupons to save money on hearing aids or invitations to tour the nearby retirement centers.  Plus, of course, a litter of political detritus.  Do I want to donate to the Republicans?  Do I want to donate to the Democrats?  I wouldn’t give any money to either presidential candidate.  They’re both rich already.  It would be like giving quills to a porcupine or wrinkles to a Shar Pei.

 

On Tuesday, we had dinner with a large group of St. Louis friends who are staying in Florida and wanted to welcome us.  It was very nice.  All of them asked to be mentioned in the blog, so I will.  Hi St. Louis guys.

 

Tuesday was Fat Tuesday.  Did you pig out?  Fat Tuesday is the English translation of the French Mardi Gras.  It is also called Shrove Tuesday and is the last time all you Christians can enjoy fatty foods before Lent.  And Wednesday was Valentine’s Day and also Ash Wednesday when the Christian faithful rub ashes on their foreheads in the shape of a cross because – well, just to be a pain in the ash, I suppose.

 

My goodness, I’ve picked on the Jews, the Christians and the Moslems all in one blog.  In olden days, I would have been burned at the stake, drawn and quartered or, worst of all, tied up and made to watch Family Feud.  Maybe I should leave religion and switch to something less dangerous – like politics.

 

I really don’t want to talk about politics, but it’s hard to avoid with all that we hear every day.  That one’s a Fascist, this one’s a puppet.  This one’s an insurrectionist.  That one’s a doddering old man.  Is any of it true?  Who knows?  You can put your shoes in the oven and call them biscuits, but that doesn’t make them biscuits.  And more important, who cares?  Most of us are so convinced of which party is right or which is wrong, that it doesn’t matter who the standard-bearer is.  We would vote for the Liberty Bibberty guy if he was wearing the appropriate shade of blue or red.  And that’s sad – very sad.

 

That’s enough for now.  Family Feud just came on and I have to hide. Make sure you’re here next Thursday, bright and eager for another week of big words and little jokes.  Stay well, safe and happy.  And count your blessings.

 

Michael                                    Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com