Blog #311                                         February 23, 2023

 

Did you ever feel like you were holding all the cards, then realized that the world only wanted to play chess?  It makes you feel lower than a bad dog’s tail.  That’s how I felt this morning, still struggling with my vision; still not driving.  So, to cheer myself up, I listened to some old rock ‘n roll on a cable music channel.  I remembered every artist and every lyric from 60 years ago, even though I can’t remember where my glasses are.  Let’s see how good your recall is.

 

These are three opening lines of songs that start out by telling you when:

Long long time ago

It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday

Just yesterday morning

 

And these are some that start out by telling you where:

Deep down in Louisiana close to New Orleans

On a dark desert highway

On a warm summer’s eve on a train bound for nowhere

 

See if you can remember the songs.  You should get most of them unless you have spent the last sixty years watching Susan Lucci and Judge Judy.  You know who you are.

 

Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you’re feeling well and watching the skies for more balloons or whatever those things are.  Our government doesn’t know what they are, or so they say.  I’m skeptical.  We have satellites that can read the license plate on your car.  We can calculate within an inch how close some asteroid will come to hitting the Earth.  Didn’t you ever watch Homeland?  The government knows everything.  They just won’t tell us.  That’s why there are so many classified documents lying around in everybody’s house.

 

We’re pretty sure these things are not space aliens, they tell us, because we waved to them and they didn’t wave back or start flashing “PHONE HOME” signs.  Maybe it’s just Lizzo drying out her underwear or a new way for the Pillow Guy to deliver his merchandise. We don’t care.  Just stop lying to us and tell us what they are.

 

You know, by the time the next L. Oyster arrives, it will be March.  March is full of interesting stuff.  First comes  Day, the 14^th of March.  You see, March 14 is otherwise written as 3/14 and since π starts out 3.14, some mathematically inclined and otherwise unoccupied clown decided it would be a good day to celebrate π.  I don’t exactly know how they celebrate, but I’m guessing they eat pecan π and πnapple and all kinds of sπcy foods. 

 

Right after π Day comes the Ides of March, the day when Brutus brutally (see the connection?) stabbed Julius Caesar.  The event sparked widespread rioting to encourage the Roman Senate to pass Knife Control legislation.  Half the Romans wanted to ban knives completely, but the RKA (Roman Knife Association) wanted to make sure everybody had a knife.  Wasn’t that silly?  Anyway, on the 15^th of March, watch out for anybody named Brutus.  Then on the 17^th, watch out for little green men.  Yes, the 17^th is St. Patrick’s Day.  So in the short space of four days, you could get a π in the face, a knife in the back or an Irishman passed out on your couch.  March is a great month!

 

Last Sunday, my printer ran out of ink, so I installed a new cartridge and ordered a replacement from Amazon.  Two hours later the package arrived.  Two hours!  That is some serious Fairy Godmother shit.  Just snap your fingers and there it is.  I went back on Amazon and ordered a pair of glass slippers and four mice.

 

Message from Shakespeare: Not a mouse stirring (Hamlet).  Mice?  I told him I would not allow any more pets in my house.  And if he expects me to eat them, he has another mouse coming.  I eat salmon patė, not filthy rodents.  Purr.

 

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday and the day before was Fat Tuesday, which I always remind you is Mardi Gras in French.  I think they should make Valentine’s Day and Fat Tuesday the same day.  Makes sense to me.

 

What doesn’t make sense to me is having a five-year-old girl bring a loaded gun to school.  Did you hear that egregious story?  Where did she get the gun?  Did it come with her Serial Killer Barbie?  Did she get a My Little Colt for Christmas?  I know I’m making jokes, but this is just stupid!  I guess now we need a security guard to frisk every kindergarten student.  Less money for teachers, but what difference does it make?  The City of Baltimore reported 24 of its schools do not have a single student “proficient” in math.  What kind of generation are we raising?

 

It really should not be a shock

That Zach came to school with a Glock

Or five-year-old Suzie

Showed up with an Uzi

They’re armed and they’re dumb as a rock.

 

Movie Review:  It’s been a long time since we’ve been to a movie, but this weekend we saw A Man Called Otto with Tom Hanks.  It was marvelous!  I read the book and saw the movie made in Swedish.  They were both named A Man Called Ove and were terrific.  Go see this one.  You’ll smile.  You’ll cry.  It’s a good one.

 

It’s already time to give you the song answers.  I know you got them all right.

 

Long long time ago – American Pie – Don McLean

It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday - Piano Man – Billy Joel

Just yesterday morning - Fire and Rain – James Taylor

Deep down in Louisiana close to New Orleans

          Johnny B Goode – Chuck Berry

On a dark desert highway - Hotel California – Eagles

On a warm summer’s eve on a train bound for nowhere

(You’ve got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em)

          The Gambler – Kenny Rogers

 

No?  Too much Judge Judy?  Well, I certainly know when to fold ‘em, and that would be right about now.  Besides, the mice just arrived and Shakespeare looks angry.  I hope this week’s blog hasn’t been too egregious, which, of course, is our Weekly Word.  Egregious means outstandingly bad and shocking.  Are you writing all these down?  There’ll be a quiz.  Anyway, stay well and count your blessings, but never count your money when you’re sitting at the table.  See you next week.

 

Michael                                    Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com