Blog #304                                                   January 5, 2023

 

Yes, I sent this out on Wednesday night.  Don’t get all bent out of shape. Adapt.  Deal with it.  I’ll explain it all next week. Let’s get started.

 

The Duchess of Boo-Hoo is at it again.  Meghan is still on her Pity Tour and has now gone so far as to write a limerick to let us know how badly she’s been treated by the Royal Family:

 

                             The Royals are all full of malice

                             They’re vicious and haughty and callous

                             I had Bentleys, it’s true,

                             But I only got two

                             And they gave me the littlest palace.

 

I hate having a small palace, don’t you?  I was reading a book today and the main character was talking about his dream where he found himself naked at the mall.  I have that dream too.  How can he have the same dream that I have?  Then he mentioned the one where he was taking a college exam and he hadn’t studied.  I have that one too!  What’s going on here?  I wonder if he has the one about not being able to find your car.  Or the one about the Mexican barmaid and the sheep and – well, never mind.

 

Hi there and welcome back.  Is anybody still there?  Stick with me; you knew I was weird.  As the Cheshire Cat said, “We are all mad here.” I hope you had a nice New Year’s celebration and are feeling chipper.  Do you have dreams like the ones I mentioned?  Do you dream about going to Heaven?  I’m not actually sure that I could even find my way to Heaven.  It seems that everywhere I go I take the wrong exit and get lost.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  All I know is if I had been with Columbus, we couldn’t have discovered the Pinta, let alone America.  If I had been with Neil Armstrong, we would have landed in Omaha. If I had been a pilot for Southwest Airlines – well, I’m not sure they could do any worse.  I’m convinced one of my ancestors was with Moses and talked him into turning left, leaving the Jews with all of the sand and none of the oil.

 

How can I not get from Point A to Point B without screwing up?  I am pretty good at reading maps.  I can give accurate directions.  But if I actually have to do it, I have less chance of hitting my target than of Stevie Wonder sinking a twelve-foot putt.  That just means I have a lot of knowledge and no wisdom.  Let me give you an example: Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.  I’m not sure I really want to go to Heaven anyway.  None of my friends are there.

 

That was callous, wasn’t it?  I’ve used that word twice now, so I guess we should make it our Weekly Word.  Callous means insensitive and cruel.

 

I’ve talked about a lot of things in 300-plus blogs – doctors, pills, computers – but never about Laundromats.  How often do you go to a Laundromat?  We haven’t gone in decades, but Carol had a bedspread that needed washing, and it’s too big for our machine, so she decided on a Laundromat.  Carol and I know absolutely nothing about Laundromats.  Problem One was finding one.  We were on our way to dinner one night and had the spread in the back seat, so we drove around looking for one, unsuccessfully.  But then I turned onto a side street in order to make a U and Carol yelled “There’s one!”  Nothing gets by my observant little woman.  Of course, it helped that the LAUNDROMAT sign on the roof of the building was the size of Belgium.

 

We entered, where it must have been obvious that we didn’t know a washing machine from a hippopotamus, because we were quickly greeted by the proprietress.  I use the feminine loosely, because I’m not altogether sure she was a woman or even human.  She looked more like a cross between a pirate and road kill.  She smiled, flashing her tooth, and took immediate control.   She picked out our machine, loaded our blanket, loaded the Tide, promised to move the blanket to a drier when ready and told us to go to dinner.  First, she said, load $3.75 into the washer.  Carol opened her purse and pulled out 15 quarters.  Who runs around with 15 quarters?  I’ll give you four possibilities: 

 

A:      A kid addicted to gumballs

          B:      The Tooth Fairy

          C:      A really cheap whore

          D:      A woman who consistently wins at mahjong.

 

Here are some hints:  my wife doesn’t chew gum, does not believe in any fairy princess other than herself, and is not cheap.  Well, it worked!  We returned after dinner and there it was – clean and dry.  We were so proud!

 

I wonder if Shakespeare has anything to say today.  Where is that furball?

 

Message from Shakespeare:  Of course I have something to say.  And don’t call me Furball. I’ll have my brains ta’en out and buttered, and give them to a dog for a New Year’s gift (Merry Wives of Windsor).  A dog?  Who is that goofy poet who has my name?  New Year for me means I have another year with my own goofy poet, my Pops.  He gives me a home and lots of food and a warm lap.  Happy New Year, Pops.  Purr.

 

Thanks, Shakey.  I have some New Year’s resolutions to suggest to my readers.  Guys, every so often, say these three words to your wife: You look great!  And Girls, say these three words to your husband: You know best!  The truth isn’t important; it’s the warmth and tenderness of the thought.  Try it.  I told Carol I had no other resolutions, so she gave me one.  Well, she does run my life.  She told me I needed to exercise more.  I told her a tortoise never moves more than half a mile an hour and lives to be 150.  This argument has tired me out.  I think I’ll go rest my case.  I just have enough energy to wish you a happy 2023 during which I want you to stay well, count your blessings and come back here every week.  And by the way, you look great.

 

Furball’s Dad                                    Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com