Blog #295                                November 3, 2022

 

Carol gets up earlier than I do.  Last Saturday morning, she got out of bed, went to the living room and, of course, turned on the television.  Within a few seconds I heard her scream, “OH MY GOODNESS!”  What could it be, I wondered.  What disaster had she witnessed on the television that could make her so upset?  Had Jane Fonda found a wrinkle?  Had Meghan Markle cracked a nail?  Had some woman claimed that Herschel Walker pinched her Barbie Doll when they were in pre-school?  Whatever it was, I had to come to her rescue.  So, I hopped out of bed (well, I can’t actually hop) and ran to the living room (I can’t really run either).  “What’s wrong?” I inquired.  Her answer?  Extraordinary Attorney Woo is now dubbed in English!

 

That’s good to know.  I didn’t watch it in Korean, and I don’t intend to watch it in English.  Or, as my idol Dr. Seuss would say:

 

I would not watch it in Chinese

Or French or Dutch or Japanese

I do not like Attorney Woo

I do not like it; how could you?

 

How do you even put up with my nonsense?  But I guess you do, because here you are again.  Hi there, and welcome back.  I hope you’re feeling well.  Are you planning any holiday trips?  Carol and I are flying to North Carolina for a pre-Thanksgiving visit, and I am a little concerned.  Holiday seasons always mean more little children are flying and, what with Covid and flu and RSV being so prevalent, I expect a plane packed with sneezing, sniffling, coughing, rasping, puking little monsters whose only purpose in life is to inflict disease upon every adult within range of their various infectious excrescences.

 

Those kids who have not reached maturity

Are full of infectious impurity

With all their diseases

Their snot and their sneezes

They’re threatening airline security.

 

I love children – and animals.  I have just discovered there is a National Specially-Abled Pet Day.  It’s actually in May, but I just learned about it.  Last year they had a special triple-feature at the movies especially for disabled dogs.  The movies were Jurassic Bark, Paws! and The Good, the Bad and the Shar Pei. 

 

Message from Shakespeare:  Speak of my lameness, and I straight will halt (Sonnet 89).  I do not consider myself disabled or specially-abled or whatever they call it.  The fact that I have only three legs is an asset, because when Pops takes me to Dr. Cat to get my nails clipped, he always gets a 25% discount.  Purr.

 

I have told you many times of the ways poor husbands like me are bombarded by disrespect from their wives, but my sweet wife is surely not the worst.  I have seen husbands fiercely excoriated for wearing too “nice” a shirt to Cheesecake Factory, brutally vilified for driving too slowly, viciously humiliated for ordering the wrong kind of food at a restaurant.

 

Is it just me, or are all men so poorly disregarded by women?  Sure, when they need to know how to spell something or a poem for some occasion or to go out on a rainy day and pick up two bananas, one mostly yellow with a little green and one mostly green with a little yellow – they come right to me.  But when it comes to driving, dressing, directions or common sense, they avoid me like Harvey Weinstein.  Am I that useless?  (This is the part where you e-mail poor, helpless old Michael and tell him how respected and important and loved he is.)

 

I know you’re enjoying the World Series, even though your favorite team might not be there.  And speaking of baseball and Harvey Weinstein, I hear Harvey is going to manage a new Major League Baseball team next year, the San Quentin Felons.  Their uniforms are striped and some of these guys actually stole second base.  The pitcher and catcher are known as the Aggravated Battery.  When they announce the lineup, these guys really get in a lineup.  How many more do you want?  The numbers on the back of their uniforms read 5 to 10 or 20 to life. 

 

Here’s the roster: Enos Manslaughter, Barry Bondsman, Ernie Banksrobber, Don Larceny, Roger Clemency, Babe Ruthless and Johnnie Benchwarrant.

 

Ok, maybe you should cancel the nice e-mail after that last bit.  Our Weekly Word is vilify, which means to speak or write about someone in an abusive and insulting manner.  I probably deserve that instead.

 

I’ve made a momentous decision.  I don’t drink any more, but I’ve decided I should be allowed to drink on holidays, like Thanksgiving or Christmas.  Or Easter. Or Passover. Today is National Cliché Day, but we’ve heard that before and Tomorrow is National Skeptics Day, but who believes that?  Actually, both are true and sound like great reasons to celebrate with a drink.  No, I’m only teasing.  Besides, to be honest and with all due respect, the fact of the matter is that I basically avoid cliches like the plague.

 

And how about toilets?  Have you ever looked inside a toilet tank?  Inside this sleek and shiny porcelain receptacle, perfect for the sanitary and odorless elimination of human waste, Kleenex, toenails and eyebrow-pencil shavings, rests the most arcane, jerry-rigged, Rube Goldberg collection of junk imaginable.  Chains and plastic rods and rubber balls jammed inside in such a delicate configuration that the smallest tremor will make the chain detach from the plastic rod or the rubber ball lodge against the side wall or any number of other fatal calamities.

 

This is the 21^st Century, the age of the Internet and the iPhone and the self-driving automobile.  Where are the geniuses of today?  Where is the Bill Gates of plumbing?  Where is Elon Flush?  We have mapped the human genome.  Why can’t we invent a toilet that isn’t filled with non-replaceable, non-interchangeable, non-transferable refuse that looks like it came out of a Fat Albert cartoon?  Well, what do you expect from a device invented by a man named Crapper?  (Thomas Crapper, 1836-1910)

 

The King in Alice in Wonderland advised Alice to “Begin at the beginning, and go on till you come to the end: then stop.”  And so I shall.  But not before I remind you to stay well and count your blessings.  Have a lovely.  See you next week.

 

Michael                                    Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com