Blog #288                                September 15, 2022

 

The Queen is dead.  Long live the King.  When George VI died in 1952 and his daughter became Elizabeth II, they all shouted, “Long live the Queen.”  I wonder if they ever dreamed it would be that long.  She ruled 70 years, the second-longest ruling monarch in history behind Louis XIV of France who ruled for 72 years.  Elizabeth always carried a purse, even around the palace.  In fact, the chairs she used all had hooks specially made for hanging her purse.  I guess that’s called “hanging around the palace”.  There was always some conjecture as to what she carried in the purse, and the best I could determine was this – some tissue, a lipstick and a five-pound note for the collection plate at Church.  I’m pretty certain she didn’t have a cell-phone.  Can you even imagine the Queen making a call?

 

Hello, it’s we, the Queen … What do you mean, what Queen? It’s Queen Elizabeth … Of England … That’s right, the one with the purse.

 

I liked Liz and always followed her news and watched all the films about her, but she is only my second-favorite Queen.  My favorite Queen just told me we were going out to dinner on Friday.  I asked where we were going and she replied, “We’re going to Tucker’s; be ready at 6:30.  Wear the khaki pants and the pink shirt.  You’re getting the chef salad with no green peppers and no onions. And don’t slow down for any yellow lights.”  I’m wondering -- why exactly does she need me to go?  I bet if I dressed a mannequin in the khaki pants and the pink shirt, she wouldn’t even know the difference.  She’d probably just ask why I was so quiet.

 

Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you’re feeling well on this lovely Thursday.  Many of you send me comments from time to time, and I honestly love getting them, but I have noticed a trend lately.  Here’s a typical comment: Love your blog, keep talking about Carol, she’s just like me. Or sometimes I get: Love your blog, quit picking on Carol, you drive too slow.  I spend ten hours writing and re-writing and editing each one of these blogs, strain and suffer with anxiety over what to say and how to say it, and after all that – my wife gets all the fan mail.  Well, she is the Queen.

 

I’d like to be the King for a little while.  The first thing I’d do would be to ban car-alarms, Dr. Pepper and computer viruses.  Carol’s computer was infected once, and I called up my computer guru:

 

Me:  My wife’s computer has a virus.  Fix it.

Guru:  First, unplug the computer.  Then go buy a disk of Norton Anti-Virus, load it, download it, upload it and install it.  Then yappadee yappadee floppity poop.

Me:  Of all the things you just said, the only one I can do is unplug the computer.  Maybe.  I want you to come over and fix it.

Guru:  Do you know how much I charge?

Me:  Do you know my wife?

Guru:  I’ll be right over.

 

That’s why I have him.  He’s smart.  Plus, he has a great business card:

 

If computer stuff gives you a fit

And you don’t know a bite from a bit

Well you may have a virus

So you’d better hire us

It’s obvious you don’t know shit.

 

Did you hear that some Disney employees were arrested in Florida in connection with a human-trafficking syndicate?  It does not surprise me one bit.  I have always thought the whole Disney portfolio to be rife with drug-use and sexual innuendo.  First, there’s the pervert who dresses up like an old lady with a wand and entices little girls into his van by disguising it as a pumpkin and promising them expensive shoes.  Today, you’d do twenty years for that!  Then there’s Wonderland where caterpillars smoke pot and Alice takes pills to make her bigger (uppers) or smaller (downers).  Or Geppetto the Carpenter making little boy-dolls with extendible appendages?  Seriously? And don’t get me started about Snow White and her Male Prostitutes.

 

Weekly Word:  Innuendo means an oblique remark that hints or suggests some impropriety.

 

Message from Shakespeare:  A harmless necessary cat (The Merchant of Venice).  That’s what I am, a harmless, necessary cat, and I’ve seen some of that Disney stuff.  There are a lot of cats in there – The Cheshire Cat, Figaro, Oliver.  My favorite is the Lion King.  ROAR!  Sorry, I meant purr.  And I always thought innuendo was the place they put rectal thermometers.

 

Our 60^th High School Reunion is coming up next year.  I say our because Carol and I were in the same class.  Yes, high school sweethearts, isn’t that cute and so on.  Reunions are always interesting.  At the 50^th, I remember being stunned at how many old people there were.  There were a lot of beards and a lot of baldness – and that was just the women!  I’m joking, the women looked pretty good – a little shorter maybe, a little blonder.  Most of the men were getting grayer and fatter and everybody’s posture was taking a hit.  How did all this happen to us?

 

And at our age, we spend a lot of time and effort on medical issues.  Doctors and stress tests and medications!  It’s a lot of work being a senior.  But we all adapt and come to terms with it as best we can.  The other evening, we went to dinner with friends and one of the guys at the table asked the waiter to recommend a wine that goes well with Lipitor.  Maybe we should just eat dinner at the Emergency Room.  They have a new restaurant there called Broken Bonefish Grill. 

 

Back to the reunion story, one of the first people I saw was a female classmate.  She hugged me and said, “You were so funny in High School.”  Carol looked her straight in the eye and said, “I think you have the wrong person.”  True story.  But you don’t have the wrong person.  This is me and I’ll be back with you next week.  Be there.

 

This week we all remembered September 11, 2001 in our own way.  I won’t intrude upon that.  Have a peaceful week, stay well and count your blessings.

 

Michael                                    Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com