Blog # 278                                        July 7, 2022

 

Each year, to celebrate her birthday, my wife has lunch or dinner with every woman west of the Mississippi.  This can take some time, and the season of celebration often is so protracted that it no longer becomes obvious which of her birthdays is being celebrated.  What is certain, however, is that I am left alone for dinner.  Sometimes I bring in Chinese.  I am convinced that all the Chinese food in America is made in Toledo and shipped to a million outlets nationwide.  This time, however, I eschewed the moo shu, soured on the sweet and sour and didn’t want the wonton.  So I opened a can of sardines.  Yes, I know to most of you the thought of eating sardines is as appealing as a baboon’s butt – but, I like them.  Sardines are named after the island of Sardinia, where they are plentiful.  People eat about thirty billion of the little fellows each year.  I only wanted six, and found them in my cupboard conveniently packed – like sardines -- in a little can surrounded by olive oil.

 

With my sardines, I wanted some toast.  The problem with toast, of course, is that it requires the employment of a toaster oven, a device that has given me serious trouble on earlier occasions.  But we had acquired a new one, and I hoped this one might be easier to understand.  In a fit of dauntless optimism, I grabbed two slices of bread, frisbeed them in, closed the door and began to examine the machine’s dashboard which consisted of four dials around which were a bunch of French words next to a corresponding number of English words.  French!  Why did she have to buy a French toaster oven?  There were also some large numbers which I assumed were temperatures.  Some were in Fahrenheit and some in Centigrade.  There were not, however, any buttons for off, on, stop or start and no timers.  I started playing around with the dials.  You’ve heard the old saw about a million monkeys and a million typewriters?  Well, nobody remembers typewriters, but you get the concept and I must have been the lucky monkey, because I was surprisingly able to make two things happen – light and sound.  The light was accompanied by heat and the sound was most likely a fan.  I somehow made them go on at the same time and, in a short while, my bread became toast.  Easy enough.

 

Then I tried to turn it off.  I could not find any combination of dials that would cause both the light and the sound to go off at the same time.  Do I know anybody who speaks French?  Do I know anybody who speaks Centigrade?  “There is no-one so lost as he who searches for a way where there is no way.”  I thought about calling my wife and asking her how to turn the damn thing off, but if I called her, then all the girls at dinner would laugh at what a fool I was.  Instead, I unplugged the entire contraption, ate my dinner and ran to the computer to write this so that all of you would laugh at what a fool I was.  What a fool I am!

 

My Princess came home, instantly noticed the unplugged appliance and said, “Couldn’t figure out the toaster oven, could you?  What a fool you are.”  God, I hate when she’s right!  “No, I could not figure it out,” I said. “It’s French!”  “Well, maybe it’ll make a funny story for your blog.”  God, I hate when she’s right!

 

Message from Shakespeare:  He hath eaten me out of house and home (Henry IV, Part 1).  What a fool he is!  Toast is above his pay-grade.  The only thing he’s good at is opening a can of sardines or a can of Fancy Feast Salmon Pâté.  And he’s kind of good at scratching.  And rubbing my forehead.  Purrrrrr!

 

Following will be the last visit to my Address Quiz.  On what street, lane, avenue, etc. do the following live?

 

1.     Oscar and Big Bird

2.     Daddy Warbucks

3.     Dr. Peter Burns, Amanda Woodward and Dr. Michael Mancini

 

Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you are feeling well and that you had a nice Independence Day to celebrate the birth of our nation and the first truly American tradition, the furniture sale.  George and Martha bought a love seat.  Lafayette bought an accent chair.  Don’t you get tired of the TV ads for furniture sales?

 

·        We’re going out of business

·        It’s tax time and if we don’t sell it, we’ll have to pay taxes on it

·        It’s President’s Day

·        It’s Fourth of July

·        No money down

·        We’re going out of business again

·        It’s the biggest sale ever

·        No payments until we find Jimmy Hoffa

·        We lost so much money on that sale that we have to go out of business again

 

Welcome to Furniture Den

We’ll triple the prices and then

We’ll cut them in half

And just for a laugh

We’ll go out of business again.

 

Movie Review:  Elvis was good.  Tom Hanks as Colonel Parker was exquisitely despicable and Austin Butler as Elvis was talented and super cute.  Go see it. 

 

Answers:

1.     Sesame Street

2.     Easy Street

3.     Melrose Place

 

I don’t believe in omens or fortune-telling or parapsychology or magic.  I’m a scientist, after all, and yet – well, something happened today that has me a bit shaken.  Some years ago, my son-in-law Robert bought me a bobble-head made to look like me, standing in a golf shirt holding my putter.  That’s PUTTER!  You have a filthy mind.  Today I moved the little figurine from one spot to another.  The head fell off and rolled under my chair.  The head that looked exactly like me!  Images of Marie Antoinette and Ichabod Crane flashed through my startled brain.  It was very spooky!  Does that mean this is my last blog?  Who knows?  But rest assured, your dauntless monkey with the typewriter will try again and see what pops out next week.   

 

I seem to have used the word dauntless twice this week.  It must be our Weekly Word.  It means fearless and unintimidated.  Who knew?  I thought it just meant lacking daunt.  Anyway, stay well, count your blessings and remain dauntless.  I’ll see you next week.

 

Michael                                             Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com