Blog #250                                December 23, 2021

 

I’ve had an interesting week.  Sit back and relax while I share.  Last Friday, I was rummaging through a closet when I found an old, dusty bottle.  I grabbed a rag and began to rub off the dust when a funny-looking Genie popped out.

 

Master, I grant you one wish, said the Genie.

One?  Don’t you Genies usually grant three wishes.

I had three, Master, but I gave one to a guy in New York who asked me to light up the Fox News Christmas Tree.  And I’m working on a wish by Chuck Schumer to turn Joe Manchin into Frosty the Snowman.  Besides, it’s so hard to re-stock anything nowadays, so I only have one.  I am at your command.

Ok, I want to go to Hawaii, but I get seasick and I don’t like long airplane flights, so I want you to build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive.

Master, that would be impossible.  There isn’t enough concrete in the world to build a bridge that long.  Not to mention the permits!  Pick something else.

Genie, I read a book by Richard Russo where he said that women in general offer what you don’t want or have no use for, or even worse, what’s good for you. I wish you would make me understand women.

Master, do you want that bridge to be two-lane or four-lane?

 

Then, Friday night, I got a text from a friend.  His daughter was moving the next day and he could use some help shlepping a bunch of boxes.  The text was to five people who the friend said were the only people he knew who didn’t have bad backs.  I watched the message-string as four of the five reported they were not available, and the next day, it was just my friend and me – two old men with a litany of old man stuff like heart problems and joint problems and vascular problems and, yes, bad backs.  We moved the stuff and looked exactly like you would expect old men to look while doing something they should not have been doing.  You’ve heard of TWO MEN AND A TRUCK?  We’re calling ourselves- TWO MEN AND AN AMBULANCE.

 

Then there was yesterday, when I had a really nice day.  It started with a visit to Dr. Retina.  There’s nothing like getting a couple of injections in your eyeball before 9:00 am.  Hey, it’s better than a sharp stick in the eye.  Actually, it is precisely a sharp stick in the eye – twice.  It’s really not so bad.  If you are ever told you need a shot in the eye, don’t worry.  I’ve done it plenty of times, and I’m the biggest baby there is.  I faint when I eat a blood orange.  I cover my face when they show somebody getting a vaccination on television.  And I refuse to visit Needles, California.  Plus, I was 17-years-old before I would allow my dentist to put a needle in my mouth.  I went through the drilling without Novocain. 

 

Dr. Retina told me he wasn’t worried about my eye.  Isn’t it funny how the doctor is never worried about your eye or your heart?  I wonder why that is. 

 

I’m really not worried, my friend

I’m confident you’re on the mend

But if you are not,

I don’t care a lot

Either way, I get paid in the end.

 

I like all my doctors and appreciate how well they take care of me.  I do have one complaint about doctors in general, and the thought was brought back to me when I saw a gravestone recently:  Alan Schwartz, MD (1922-1997).  What unbelievable, unmitigated and unnecessary arrogance.  Who cares if he was a doctor?  Certainly not now that he’s dead.  He’s still six feet under, the same as Sophie Rose in the next grave, and she was only a butcher’s assistant.  At a country club recently, I saw a posted list of all the members.  Every doctor had an MD after his name and every dentist had a DDS.  There was even a veterinarian with a DVM.  To me that says, “I’m special and I’m better than you because I’m a doctor.  Don’t call me Mister and don’t write my name without putting the MD there.”

 

I’d rather meet a really good plumber than a boring proctologist.  Actually, I’d rather meet anyone than a boring proctologist.  I have nothing against doctors.  As I said, I like all my doctors, but lose those initials after your name on the country club wall.  Put up your handicap instead, and then see how proud you are.  I worked hard to earn my degree and even harder to earn a living.  And so does a streetsweeper, an electrician, a teacher or a restaurant server.  But you don’t see us putting a bunch of letters after our names.

 

Anyway, back to my nice day.  The people who work at Dr. Retina’s office were very nice.  And the people were nice at the Post Office and at Best Buy.  I don’t recall if the people who work at Walmart were nice.  I couldn’t find any.  It just made for a pleasant day, which I now get to share with you.  How delightful.  Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you’re feeling well and are having a delightful day too.   

 

Jennifer, my North Carolina daughter, is coming to visit me tomorrow.  She’s the one with three dogs, two cats, twelve chickens and two roosters.  She’ll probably find being here very restful.  We have no dogs, no chickens, no roosters and only three-quarters of a cat.

 

Message from Shakespeare:  Now that wasn’t very nice, was it?  But I’ll forgive him because I know he loves me.  He should love me.  I’ve made him famous.  Without me, his blog would be just a bunch of old jokes and ridiculous rants.  Merry Christmas and Purr-fect New Year from your favorite three-legged cat.  Joy delights in joy (Sonnet #8).

 

And a merry and joyous Christmas from me and my Christmas Carol.  Let’s not forget our Weekly Word.  It’s unmitigated, which means absolute and complete, and my wishes for you to stay well and have a wonderful holiday season are truly unmitigated.  Don’t forget to count your blessings.  See you next week.

 

Michael, BS, JD, Phi Beta Kappa, Omicron Delta Kappa, Phi Eta Sigma.

So there!                         Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com