Blog #215

 

His Royal Highness, Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh died last week.  I feel bad for Liz.  They had been married for 73 years.  You know, all those European royal families are inter-connected.  Both Philip and Queen Elizabeth are great-great-grandchildren of Queen Victoria and both are also descended from King Christian IX of Denmark.  Philip’s most famous quote was, “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”

 

Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you are feeling well and enjoying nice weather and beautiful scenery.  I was in a doctor’s waiting room this week.  I was getting tired of reading my book (I always have a book) so I got up to stretch and look out the window.  Did I see lovely meadows of verdant veldt and crystal-clear brooks of cool water?  No, from the fifth-floor doctor’s office the only scenery was a concrete morass of overpasses and underpasses and a cloverleaf that had more bypasses than my heart.  It was ugly and artificial and depressing.  I could not wait to get home, put on my walking stuff and head out on the suburban streets around my house.  The weather was perfect, the birds were melodious and welcoming and the lawns and trees were at their springtime best.  There was even a bubbling brook.  It was probably filled with agricultural runoff and industrial waste, but it calmed me nevertheless.

 

Message from Shakespeare:  In nature's infinite book of secrecy a little I can read (Antony and Cleopatra).  I have a wonderful porch to play on with lots of windows that look out to trees and birds and squirrels and people walking their dogs.  Pops leaves a window open so I can sit on my cat-tree and smell and hear everything, watch the birds and laugh at the stupid dogs.  Purr.

 

Tomorrow, April 23^rd, is Shakespeare’s birthday.   He’s either 2 or 447, depending on which Shakespeare you are talking about.  My cat was left on the doorstep of the animal shelter with a mangled leg, so no-one really knows his exact birthday.  I decided he should share birthdays with the other Shakespeare, so happy birthday to my wonderful three-legged cat – and to that other guy as well.  

 

Now that we’re feeling vaccinated and liberated and ready to re-enter the society of restaurant-going oldies, I feel it a public service to remind you of the restaurant etiquette you may have forgotten from lack of practice over the past year.  Here’s what you need to remember:

 

1.     Call ahead and reserve the round table next to the window.

2.     When you arrive, reject that table immediately because it is near a table of eight noisy young women.  Move to a table in the main room.

3.     Reject that table because the main room has music playing that is too loud.  I never sit at a table until my wife has already moved twice.  I guarantee that when she gets to Heaven, she will reject the first table God gives her because it’s too near the Holy-Rollers.  Put me near the Mormons; they’re quieter.

4.     At Table #3, make sure the women sit on one end and the men on the other because the men are boring and the women need to talk even though they have spoken on the phone with each other for at least ten hours in the past five days.

5.     Ask the server, Guido, who has followed you from table to table like a groupie following a Phish tour, to bring you water.

6.     Send half the waters back because two wanted water with no ice and one with only light ice. 

7.     When the waters arrive, order drinks.  Make the server bring you a taste of the house Chardonnay.  Then make him bring you a taste of the premium Chardonnay.  Then order a half-glass of the house.  If he says they don’t serve a half-glass, make him ask the manager.  By now, Guido will be offering $50 to any server who would switch with him and take your table.

8.     The half-glass arrived but in a glass without a stem.  Make the server go back and find a glass with a stem.  Then make him go back and get you a glass of ice to add to the half-glass of wine that is now in a glass with a stem.

9.     Order half the house salad with no onions and the dressing on the side, half romaine and half iceberg and chopped.  And can you bring me a taste of the house dressing.

10.  This woman and I are sharing the chicken sandwich.  Can you split the plates and she’ll take French fries extra crispy and I’ll have fries, not crispy, no salt, and not fried in oil.  And can we have the honey-mustard on the side and a thing of barbecue sauce.

11.  And when you do the checks, she’s with that guy over there, she’s with the guy next to him and I’m with the one hiding behind the napkin dispenser.  And don’t forget to split the price of the chicken sandwich.

12.  By now, Guido has changed his name to Genevieve, entered the Witness Protection Program and moved to Poughkeepsie.  Your table is now being served by the Assistant Manager.

13.  The food arrives.  Send back the chicken sandwich because it isn’t hot enough and the fries because they weren’t extra-crispy.

14.  Eat.  Ask for more napkins and whether they have a senior discount.

15.  Ask if they give a complimentary dessert for a birthday?  Someone must be within six months of a birthday.  The Assistant Manager has, by now, resigned and become a drug-runner for El Chapo, but the Manager brings the free dessert and hopes you enjoyed the meal.

16.  Tell her you’ll be back.

 

The Manager said with much sorrow

That a plane ticket she’d have to borrow

‘Cause it came to her ear

The worst thing she could hear

When we said we would be back tomorrow.

 

Let’s make our Weekly Word morass, which means a confusing and complicated mess, like this week’s blog.  I’ll have another one next week, but now I have to go.  Maxine Waters called and said if I don’t stop, she’ll set my house on fire.  Stay well and count your blessings.  And enjoy the Spring!

 

Michael                                    Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com