Blog #173

We stopped smoking, we stopped drinking, we exercised, we ate the right foods and put on sunscreen.  We ate only the egg yolks, then only the egg whites, then no eggs at all.  We switched from Coke to Diet Coke to Caffeine-Free Diet Coke to Snapple to water.  We did everything the World Health Organization told us to do in order to become healthy so we could live a longer life.  And what are we doing with those extra years we gained by being such good little Kens and Barbies?  Hiding from Covid and rioters, avoiding being in the same room with our loved ones and wondering where our 401Ks went.  Hardly seems worth it, does it?  But hang in there, my friends.  As Robert Frost said, “Provide, provide.”

Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you are doing well and feeling young.  Today is my wife’s birthday.  Carol looks fantastic and moves like a teenager.  I won’t tell you how old she is, just that she’s the youngest old woman on Earth.

I had a wonderful joke inserted here, but it was 346 words, so I cut it out so I’d have more room for OUTRAGE.  I’ll try to use it next week.  It’s about bull testicles.  Now I’m sure you’ll be back next week.

Last week, I had a couple of outraged readers excoriate* me for something I said.  Excoriate means to criticize severely, so that’s our Weekly Word.  One was my oldest granddaughter; the other was one of my best friends.  Hey, I can handle it.  As the comedian Steven Wright said, “If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.”

Besides, everyone is outraged about something.  Well, I’m outraged too.  Did you know that 80% of all Covid deaths are people over 65-years-old?  Did you know that 60% of all Covid deaths are men?  We old men are the forgotten victims here. 

These young whipper-snappers (that in itself shows you how old I am) are going to bars, going to beaches, out in the streets protesting.  It doesn’t affect them much – they’re young.  But then they go home and infect their grandfathers.  They’re killing us.  WRINKLED LIVES MATTER and we want to be in the decision-making process.  I’m telling you folks, if you’re not at the table, you’re on the menu.

Those readers, by the way, were angry with me for something to do with people wanting to tear down statues.  In my opinion, if we allowed every interest group to destroy everything they find offensive, there would be nothing and nobody left in this country.  Just think.

Native Americans would get rid of Eskimo Pies, statues of George Custer, and the Washington Redskins.

Blacks would get rid of the Confederate Flag, Mount Rushmore, and Hattie McDaniel.

Jews would eliminate the KKK, statues of Charles Lindbergh, and whoever said we couldn’t eat bacon.

Stutterers would get rid of all images of Porky Pig, King George VI, and Joe Biden.

Hispanics would get rid of The Wall, statues of Christopher Columbus and Speedy Gonzalez cartoons.

Rednecks would get rid of Blacks, Jews and Hispanics.

And just about everybody would get rid of robocalls, mosquitos and Joy Behar.  See my point?  If everyone was allowed to eliminate whatever he or she perceived as offensive, the world would be as empty as Lady Godiva’s closet. 

I’m convinced that we are now experiencing God’s newest wave of Plagues.  Just in the news today, there were stories about locusts and sandstorms and heightened earthquake activity.  Here are the Ten Modern Plagues:

Plague 1 – Trump, easily the most violently despised politician in US history

Plague 2 – Corona Virus.  No argument there

Plague 3 – Economic Recession

Plague 4 – Murder Hornets.  Don’t ask.

Plague 5 – Civil Insurrection

Plague 6 – Locusts in South America.  I’m serious.  Read the news.

Plague 7 – The Killing of Statues

Plague 8 – The Godzilla Dust Cloud from the Sahara

Plague 9 – Earthquake Activity in California.  That’s in the news too.

And what will the 10^th plague be?

Dear Lord, from your plagues we are hidin’

We hope they will soon be subsidin’

But the worst plague, I fear,

Will come early next year

When we’re governed by President Biden.

It’s getting so bad that – well, you know those 200 or 300 miles of Border Wall Trump built?  If it gets any worse, the people climbing the wall will be Americans trying to get into Mexico.  I’ve started eating Chalupas every day and am learning to sing La Cucaracha.  I wonder if Mexico will give us Sanctuary Cities and free Driver’s Licenses.  I know they’re ready for us, because my friend Kitty in Mexico sent me a picture of a sign over there.  It reads:  Welcome to the Fun Side of the Wall!  That’s the truth.

Message from Shakespeare:  A plague on both your houses (Romeo and Juliet).  I’m just a cat, and I don’t know a lot about plagues.  But this Corona thing seems to keep my Pops home a lot so he can scratch me and play with me more.  I like that.  As far as Trump and Biden are concerned, you can turn them both into cat food.  My favorites are Nancy Purr-losi and, of course, Mew-lania.  Now I hear they want to change the name of St. Louis and tear down the statue of St. Louis IX.  I think they should rename it Shakespeare City and put up a statue of me.  They’ll never have to tear my statue down.  With only three legs, it will probably fall down all by itself.

Great, my cat thinks he’s a political pundit.  Shaky, when I need an expert on licking yourself, I’ll call you.  Until then, I’ll handle this.

My blood-pressure cuff tells me it’s time to stop, so I’ll let you get back to deciding which monument you want destroyed.  Stay well and count your blessings and have a good Independence Day.  We’re all Americans under the same flag and the same anthem, and we need to work out our problems together.  I’ll be back next week, if the PC Police let me.  Don’t miss it.  I’m sure to piss somebody off.  Meanwhile, sing with me:  La Cucaracha, La Cucaracha, Ya no puede caminar.

Miguel                                     Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com