Blog #129

Are you tired yet of this Ilhan Omar and Rashida Tlaib kerfuffle?  I certainly am.  They support organizations who plot for the expulsions of the Jews from the Middle East.  They call for a boycott of Israeli businesses.  And they expect to drop in on Jerusalem and have the Prime Minister bid them Shalom and serve them knishes and a piece halvah?

There just are some things you can’t do:

·        You can’t get into the Hall of Fame if you gambled on Baseball.

·        You can’t go through a whole day without complimenting your wife.

·        You can’t buy Greenland.

·        And you can’t enter Israel if you hang out with people who want to destroy Israel. 

Makes sense to me.  Besides, they hang out with Holocaust Deniers.  And now, those same Holocaust Deniers are trying to alter history again with their new explanation for what happened. 

Of all the ridiculous jokes!

That Holocaust thing was a hoax

Now here’s the real news:

Those six million Jews

Are staying in Jersey with folks.

I think the President is working on a solution.  He has offered to buy the Gaza Strip and the West Bank and move all the Palestinians to Greenland.  Lots of space, lots of water and not a Jew in sight.  Then he’ll build a new hotel in Bethlehem, the Trump Tower of Babel.

Let’s get to something serious.  Do you have a miniature horse?  The U.S. Department of Transportation has announced that miniature horses are still officially allowed to fly as service animals on commercial planes.  Miniature horses as service animals?  Miniature horses on airplanes? I looked it up and discovered you can’t just have any horse; you have to have the right horse to fit your ailment.

If you’re in dread, choose Mr. Ed.

If you’re feeling sicka, ride your friend Flicka.

If you’ve got the flu, get Seattle Slew.

If you’re manic-depressive, get High-Low Silver.

If you have knuckle pain, choose Trigger Finger.

The whole thing started when a man and his miniature horse encountered a slightly blind flight attendant. The horse was making snuffling noises and the attendant, who thought the snuffling creature was the man’s son, asked if the boy had a cold.  “No,” said the man, “he’s just a little horse.”

My hip surgery is coming up soon.  I have been a good boy about doing my pre-surgery exercises.  I do my leg-outs and my leg-backs and my chair lifts.  Jeez, those chairs are heavy!  Last are the butt-lifts.  The instructions did not specify exactly whose butt I was supposed to lift, so I decided to lift my wife’s.  It’s much lighter, and way more fun, but she didn’t take it in the right spirit and I had to resort to lifting my own.  Pity.

After my exercises yesterday, I phoned an office at the hospital called Price Estimator and asked what my operation was going to cost.  She asked what procedure I was having.  Hip replacement, I dutifully answered.  She asked which hip.  Which hip? Is the left hip more expensive than the right hip?  I’m a smart-ass.  You knew that.  Isn’t medical pricing nuts?  If you have no insurance, it’s a trillion dollars, but if you have insurance it’s a buck and a half.  I have never understood the logic.  Here’s the story:

          Hip Surgery:  $27,130

          My insurance has a contract to pay:  $11,195

          My Co-Pay:  $250

But that’s just the hospital.  Then there’s Dr. Hip and Dr. Sleep.  But, and this is a big but (no, I did not say you had a big butt; don’t be so defensive) – but, as I said, I have a maximum Co-Pay for the year and yadda-yadda.  I’m a pretty smart guy, but this is above my pay grade.

Another thing above my pay grade is the weather.  Here’s a typical TV weather spot:

There’s a big Tropical Depression, Cold Front, Arctic Blast, Bomb Cyclone right over here – where you’ve never been.  In the next few hours, it will affect 19 million people – who you don’t give a shit about – and will travel up here – a place you didn’t even know existed.  None of this weather is anywhere near you or will affect you in the slightest, but we have our reporter there, standing in nine feet of water and watching the cars blow away in the wind.  Take it away, Rex.

They give you all this world-wide weather drama because they honestly have no clue what’s going on “in your neck of the woods”.  If you want to know that, open a window.    

Did you know there is actually a product on the market called a Concentrated Synthetic Urine Substitute?

·        You apply for a job.

·        They require a drug test.

·        You go into the bathroom to leave a urine sample.

·        But instead of urinating, you pull from your pocket a vial of this stuff, pour it in the cup and add warm water.

·        You pass!

Don’t you think that’s horrible?  What has happened to our respect for the law?  Do you want people faking the drug test when they apply to be school-bus drivers?  Or nuclear power plant employees?  This stuff is advertised on the Internet!  I think everybody involved with this product and everyone who has used it to fake a drug test should be put on a 737 piloted by a couple of guys who faked their drug tests too.  Sorry, that just makes me furious!

I have finally found a group of guys who share my idea of a pleasant afternoon – being alone!  They have joined my Hermit Club and we have all decided not to meet every Tuesday at 12:30. If things work out, we may expand it and not meet on Thursdays as well.

Oh-oh, gotta go.  I can’t miss the new TV show, Dancing With The Conservatives.  Sean Spicer is hosting and the show will include Donald Trump dancing the Swing State, Mike Pence doing a Square Dance, Chris Christie with a Belly Dance and Lindsay Graham doing the Charleston.  You see, Charleston is in South Carolina and ------ oh, never mind.  If I have to explain the jokes, it’s time to go.

Stay really, really well, count your blessings and don’t forget the Hermit’s Club doesn’t meet on Tuesday.  Don’t be there.  But be sure to be here next Thursday for more of me and my high-class drivel.  See ya!

Michael                                    Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com