Blog #106
O,
wind, if winter comes, can spring be far behind? –
Percy Bysshe Shelley.
Percy certainly had it right. Spring is here – blossoms, warm showers,
longer days, protests. Students
around the world skip school to demand action on climate change. That was the headline last
Friday. Am I missing something? When did we decide that we should encourage
13-year-olds to take over the world?
Think about that. Teenagers? Vaping, drugs, sexting, twitter, messy rooms,
rings in their eyebrows? We want them making decisions for the
planet? They can’t even find two socks
that match.
When I was thirteen, sixty years ago, my mission was
to realize how much I did not know and to do my best to learn some of it
so that, when I grew up, I could earn a living and raise a new generation. Now, it seems to me, children are taught that
they can do anything they want, be anything they can be and that it’s ok to
spend their lives sitting in a puddle, painting eggshells while other people,
people who work, pay for their food and internet access.
And what sort of parents allow, even encourage, their
teens to skip school, march with profane signs and get arrested? The people who should be out there marching
and carrying signs are us old folks.
Signs like GREY IS BEAUTIFUL,
OLD
LIVES MATTER, GREY IS THE
NEW BLACK, or my favorite:
WE’RE
OLD AND WE’RE COLD – WE LOVE GLOBAL WARMING.
Hi there and welcome back. I hope you’re feeling chipper now that Spring
is here. Have you filled out your
bracket yet? I have two teams to root
for. My oldest daughter is a Duke alumna and I graduated from
St. Louis University Law
School. I’ve got my sweatshirts and
pennants and I’m ready to go.
Whenever I do a routine cleaning with Dr. Tooth, I’m
forced to lie there for an hour with my eyes closed without talking. You’ve all done it. What do you do to pass the time? Figure out how big the bribe will be to get
your grandkid into Yale? Well, here’s
what I did in an effort to exercise my memory and make the time pass. I recited The Raven in my mind.
That took about ten minutes, but I can’t expect you to do
that. I mean, what lunatic fool would
memorize 108 lines about a ghastly, grim and ancient bird who could only say
one archaic word? Then I did the parts
of The Highwayman that I
know. Then I went through the ages and
birth dates of everyone in my family.
Then I mentally created this paragraph so that I could share it with
you. Sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have.
Breaking
News: Felicity
Huffman has pleaded guilty and was sentenced to Community Service. She immediately paid someone $50,000 to do it
for her. Yes, money talks, doesn’t
it? It’s a shame all mine ever said was
“Good-bye”.
I just bought Lucy a birthday present. Lucy is Grandchild #8, lives in California
and will be 6. Did I go to three toy
stores, walk up and down the aisles, choose something and take out my credit
card, schlep the package home, wrap it up, attach an address label, drive to
the post office, wait in line and pay $20 to ship it to California? No, I pushed 17 buttons with my formerly
nicotine-stained fingers and it was done.
Five minutes, free shipping. And
that’s why TOYS Я
GONE.
Just now, as I was using those
fingers to write to you, I heard Carol in the next room talking to Alexa. I heard her say, “Alexa, tell me a limerick.” What?
I have written 1200 limericks. I
am the Master of Limericks! And now my
own wife is asking some tin can full of wires for a limerick? Am I sick?
Does she know something I don’t know?
Well, said I, let’s see what the little bitch came up with. I meant Alexa, of course. Then I heard Alexa’s reply:
I’m here to fill any
request
So a limerick? I’ll do my best
But I’m just a tin can
Not a clever old man
So don’t be surprised if
the last line is too long and doesn’t rhyme.
I guess my writing job is safe. In fact, I think I’m pretty good at
writing. You’ve put up with me for more
than 100,000 words already, so you must agree.
But words have suddenly escaped me.
I went to get my cable bill adjusted.
Where to start? I just wanted to
cancel my land line. Who needs a land
line? The calls are all to sell me hearing
aids or convince me to donate to the Boeing
Go-Fund-Me Page. So I wanted to
eliminate the line and to get rid of HBO and Showtime, which I can get on
Netflix. Simple, right? Arranging lunch with Kim Jong Un is simpler! First of all, new customers get a $25
discount on this and a $15 discount on that, but loyal customers who have been
with the company for twenty years get treated like a urine sample. And then there’s the business practice
invented by cable companies that says, “If you add a service, it costs you more,
but if you delete a service, it costs you more.” Because I was on a PLAN. Did I wake up in a Lewis Carroll novel? I told the Jabberwocky waiting on us that I
was going to cancel all service. He said
that was fine, but it wouldn’t reduce my bill.
Because I was on a PLAN.
I was about to tell the Marquis De Sade into what dark realm he could
shove his plan when my better half (actually my better four fifths) stepped in
and saved me from committing a felony.
Although I’m not sure strangling a cable company employee is a crime. Maybe Assault with a Deadly Clicker. Hmm, seems I wasn’t at a loss for words
after all.
I have to go now – I’m on a PLAN. Can
you live without me for a whole week? I
knew you could. So stay well and count
your blessings. I’ll be back before you
know it.
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