Blog #100

My wife took me to Kohl’s.  I cannot shop by myself.  Let me rephrase that – I am not allowed to shop by myself.  That’s fine, I need help.  I must have tried on 40 articles of clothing, but, as Carol likes to say, “You’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a Prince.”   I wonder how many frogs she kissed before she found me.  Or maybe I was just the last frog.  I love shopping at Kohl’s!  Everything was on sale plus we had a 30% off coupon.  I bought three pairs of shoes, 16 pairs of pants, 42 shirts and a Godiva chocolate bar for a total of $4.98.  It’s a miracle.

Last Saturday was Groundhog Day, when hairy creatures stick their heads out of their hiding places to see what the future looks like.  Here’s what happened this year:

• ·        Punxsutawney Phil exited his burrow and did not see his shadow – an early Spring is expected.
• ·        Hillary Clinton peeked out of her Chappaqua window and saw her shadow -- one more year of not being President.
• ·        Donald Trump took two steps out into the Rose Garden and saw Nancy Pelosi’s shadow – two more years of Hell.
• ·        Barbra Streisand stepped out of her Malibu estate and saw her accountant’s shadow – time for another Farewell Tour.
• ·        The Governor of Virginia looked in his yearbook and saw the shadow of himself in blackface – time to get a job at a car wash.

Hi there and welcome back.  I hope you saw your shadow.  That means wherever you are, the sun is shining on you and keeping you warm.  We have had some cold and snowy weather here in Missouri, but I’ve been thinking that these few words I send out every week have reached people all over the country.  I have readers in North Carolina, Georgia, Florida, Illinois, Missouri, Arizona, Nevada, California, New York, Kentucky and more!  Exciting and humbling!  Most of those places have better weather than here in Missouri.  Maybe I should move.  Maybe not.  

I’ve readers out there in N-C

A whole bunch in sunny A-Z

The weather’s O-K

All over C-A

But M-O is fine for M-E.

I do amuse my bad self from time to time.  Let’s see if I can amuse you too.  Some time ago, a year or more, I was at a funeral.  I don’t even remember whose funeral it was because I was so distracted by the rabbi.  He wore a cowboy hat throughout the service.  Now, whereas this accessory covers the head as required, it was a little strange to watch Rabbi Tex doing the 23^rd Psalm.  My Stetson runneth over.  Surely Lone Ranger and Tonto shall follow me all the days of my life.  There must have been some Jewish cowboys in the Wild West, don’t you think?  How about Kvetch Cassidy and the Sundance Yid or Doc High Holiday or, Carol’s favorite, Shopalong Cassidy.  She actually doesn’t call it shopping anymore; she calls it hunting and gathering.

                  

I was watching an ad for sleeping pills.  After spending 45 seconds exhorting you to try their pill to help you sleep, they spend the next 15 seconds riffling through the disclaimers as quickly as a human voice can trill.  Among the speedy litany I heard, “Side effects may include drowsiness.”  Well Damn, Hoss, they better include some drowsiness.  Isn’t that what I’m buying the thing for?  Then they said, “Do not take our pill if you are allergic to our pill.”  What?  Is this a joke?  Who would take a pill they are allergic to?  Are we that stupid?  Don’t answer that.

Although many football teams have scary names (Lions, Bears, Raiders, Panthers), the Rams and the Patriots certainly didn’t scare anybody.  They couldn’t even scare the endzone.  Super Bowl LIII (that’s 53 for those of you who don’t speak Roman) was a dud.  I even saw a commercial that said This Dud’s for You.  I ate more of those little hotdogs than they scored points.  We went to a small party.  The men watched the game while the women gabbed in the kitchen.  The real reason women don’t play football, according to Phyllis Diller, is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

And how long are we going to keep counting things in Roman Numerals?  The Roman Empire has been dead for 1543 years.  Excuse me, MDXLIII years.  Ridiculous!  Super Bowl 59 will be LIX.  See if they don’t have some fun with that.

My middle daughter, Stephanie, has a sick cat.  I feel bad for them both.  The cat is having an MRI this week and it costs thousands of dollars.  I told my daughter to schedule the scan for herself (her insurance would pay for it), then slip the animal in at the last minute.  Well, it’s a CAT Scan, isn’t it?  Sorry about the cheap joke; I feel really sad about it.

In more family news, Grandchild #1 (Zachary) has been accepted into college.  He’s first in his graduating class of 650, so I wasn’t worried about him.  It’s my blog and I can brag about my grandchildren.  I texted him congratulations.  He texted back that he was still waiting to hear from a few other schools.  He said he hoped he would get into Washington University here in St. Louis so he could be close to me.  I said “That’s great!  You could major in Bullshit.”  I guess that would be a BS degree.

Alert!  We interrupt this drivel for a Breaking News Story.  Arliss Grunderlich, the Head Lifeguard at the Norfolk, Virginia Municipal Pool, has just been named Governor of the Commonwealth of Virginia, being the highest-ranking public official in the state who has not screwed up his career in the last week.  More about Grunderlich next week, if he’s still Governor.

Ok, that’s enough for one week.  I have to go kiss a few frogs.  Besides, I don’t want to make you too giddy. Try Limerick Oyster again next week.  It’s good for your health.  Warning – side effects may include laughter.  Stay well, keep smiling and count your blessings.

Michael                          Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com