Blog #78

It’s September already, and that means the schools are open and the elections are only two months away.  Who are you going to vote for?  How can you tell?  If you watch CNN you get one set of facts, but if you watch FOX you get a different set.  It’s like going to a baseball game where all the Cardinal fans thought the guy was safe but all the Cub fans thought he was out.  And all the white folks thought O.J. was guilty while all the black folks thought he was innocent.  I’m not sure truth has any meaning anymore.  But then your truth might not be the same as mine.

Don’t listen to their candidate

In the “What Two And Two Is” Debate

He’ll use dirty tricks

To convince you it’s six

When everyone knows that it’s eight.

William Blake said, “the tree which moves someone to tears of joy is in the eyes of others only a green thing which stands in the way.”  We look at things today with such radically opposed points of view, it’s amazing that we haven’t started another Civil War.  Except, after listening to all the hate-filled and profane rhetoric on both sides, we’ll have to call it The Uncivil War.  

There will be some differences, however, between the old war and the new. That old one was between the North and the South; this is between the Left and the Right.  That was between the Blue and the Gray; this is between the Red States and the Blue States.  In the Civil War, both sides had guns.  In the Uncivil War only one side has guns.  Now that’s an interesting thought.  But it’s ok because the other side has poster-board and magic markers.  There’s even a new Japanese car especially designed for sign-carrying protest marchers with special compartments for cardboard and crayons.  It’s called the Toyota Crayola.

In 1839, Edward Bulwer-Lytton coined the phrase the pen is mightier than the sword.  I’m not sure, however, that the crayon is mightier than the AK-47.  If it gets any worse, I might have to leave the country.  Maybe I’ll go to California.  That’s not part of America anymore, is it?

And speaking of voting, our Congressional representatives tend to be disappointing, don’t they?  As Will Rogers said, “Taxpayers are sending Congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back.”  That was the third obscure person I have quoted so far.  No more, I promise!  You might begin to think I’m not clever enough to write my own lines.

Hi there.  I’m glad you’re here and hope you are feeling well.  Does it feel like you’ve been watching funerals all week?  John McCain’s funeral was an international extravaganza, and Aretha Franklin’s lasted so long they had to change her clothes.  I’m not kidding.  And all of her outfits came from the Funereal Collections of famous designers.  On the first day she wore a ruby red dress made of lace and designed by Diane von Hearstenberg; on the second she wore a powder blue dress and matching shoes from Michael Korpse; and on the final day she was dressed in a rose gold number by Christian Die-or based on a classic design by Edith Dead.  I think when I’m gone, I’d like to go casual – something by Undertaker Armour.

I got the strangest question at the Zoo yesterday.  I often get questions like, “Which way should we go?”  I ask what they want to see, and when they say “everything”, I just tell them it doesn’t matter which way they go.  Or I get questions like, “How do you tell a boy zebra from a girl zebra?”  My stock answer is, the girl zebra has bigger closets.  Or I see some youngster frowning because the snow leopard cage is empty, and I say, “Sorry, s’no leopard.”  I try to make them smile if I can.

But today’s question stumped me.  “Where’s the werewolf?” the young man asked.  And I couldn’t think of anything to say, so I just told him we didn’t have a werewolf.  He frowned, turned into a bat and flew away.  Seriously, I wonder what clever answer I could have come up with if I had had more time.  Did you ever want to say something clever, but couldn’t compose that killer retort until hours later when you thought of something that would have made you sound brilliant and witty and superior?  Damn, too late --  and it would have been perfect.   Yes, I know that’s happened to you.  And it happened to me today when two hours later I came up with the perfect response to the little boy who asked where the werewolf was.  I should have said, “Sorry, only when there’s a full moon.”  Damn!

Children say wonderful things, don’t they?  My friend Bill told me a story about his grandson.  When the boy was seven and in kindergarten, he came home one day and confronted his mother.  “How come you held me back?” he said.  His mother stumbled through an explanation, but the boy wasn’t satisfied.  “If you hadn’t held me back,” he insisted, “I’d be eight!”

Someone else, I forget who, told me a story about his grandson who had a play-date at a new friend’s house.  The house had an attic which held trains and toys and game consoles.  When the grandfather picked the boy up, he exclaimed, “Pops, you should have gone upstairs to see what they had.  They’ve got a whole basement up there.”

My friend Bobby is in the hospital with pneumonia.  I visited him and stayed about three doctors.  That’s how you measure time in a hospital, by counting how many different doctors come to your room.  First was the Hospitalist from China, then the Pulmonologist from Iran and the Cardiologist from India.  They’ve changed the inscription on the Statue of Liberty, you know.  It now reads Give us your tired, your poor, your Anesthesiologists.  There’s one thing that’s comforting about having Asian doctors.  You know they graduated at the top of their class.

Well, I hope by the time you read this that Bobby is recovered and I hope each of you stays well all week.  You have to stay strong and alert, because next Thursday I’ll be back!  Sounds like Arnold Schwarzenegger, doesn’t it?  I’ll bet he can’t write a limerick.  Count your blessings.  See you next week.

Michael                          Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com