Blog #26

The biggest problem I have in writing this thing every week is that, when I start a new subject, I forget whether I’ve used it before.  But I plow ahead anyway, knowing that if I can’t remember what I said 20 weeks ago, neither can you.

I have an old car.  I like it.  I know where everything is and what everything does.  If I want something to happen, I push the right button.  If I want something different, I use a different button.  I borrowed my daughter’s new car the other day and you know what I found?  A screen.  No buttons, just a screen.  And every time I tried to turn the radio on, I activated the seat warmer.  I couldn’t get the radio to work or the A/C or the fan, but by the time I got to McDonald’s, my tush was as warm and tender as a pot roast.  I basically know only two things about cars – the pedal on the right makes it go and the pedal on the left makes it stop.  Or is it the other way around?

Do you have dreams?  I dream once in a while, and I always thought my dreams were different from your dreams.  But yesterday, I read a book where the author was describing a dream in which his dream-self was in college and completely unprepared for an upcoming test.  But that’s my dream!  How could he have my dream?  Does everybody have that dream?  Do you?  How about the dream where you are in a movie theater and discover that you’re naked?  Do you have that one too?  How about the one where the driver of a cement mixer gets out and beats you up?  Or the one with the tuba and the goat?  Well, never mind about that one.

Hi there, all you dreamers.  Are you feeling well today?  I hope so.  What shall we talk about?  Carol and I watched a movie in bed last night called Magic Mike.  It was about a male stripper played by Channing Tatum.  I liked it.  Carol thought that might be a career opportunity for me – a male stripper.  Of course it would have to be in an old-folks’ home.

The gals at the home said they’d pay

To see me get naked some day

So I’ll be a stripper

And pull down my zipper

Who cares —they can’t see anyway!

C’mon, boys, I think this might work.  The women would probably pay just for the right to go back to their rooms.  But I’ll bet we could find some good songs for old men to strip to (you knew this was coming, didn’t you?)  How about:

Wheelin’ in the Years -- Limping Jack Flash -- I Wanna Hold Your Cane--

Let’s Get A Physical -- I’ll Be In The Home For Christmas --

The Day The Bridge Group Died

And the finale – Stayin’ Alive (Well you can tell by the way I use my walker).

I know I make fun of old people a lot, but confess – old people are funny!  I hope this old person is funny enough to make you smile once in a while.  Besides, laughing at yourself is the sweetest laugh of all.  And nobody gets offended.

Today everyone is offended.  Confederate statues, American flags, everything. There is a large and very concerted push right now to make the Washington Redskins change their name so as not to offend Native Americans.  But the popularity ratings of our politicians are dropping so precipitously these days that the most offensive word in “Washington Redskins” is no longer Redskins.  I think the team name should be changed to The Washington Honest Politicians – there aren’t any of those, so no-one could be offended.

Summer is almost over, so I’d better get this bit in before Fall arrives.  These lyrics are from songs about Summer from four different decades.  Can you come up with the song titles?  I’ll give you the answers later.

·        Fish are jumpin and the cotton is high

·        I’d like to help you, Son, but you’re too young to vote

·        Back o’ my neck feelin’ dirt and gritty

·        Out on the road today I saw a deadhead sticker on a Cadillac

I met a woman today whose name was Sharifa.  She was Lebanese and married to a Spanish man.  We talked and I told her about my grandchildren.  She was much younger than me and had two young children, twin boys.  She said their names were Amal and Juan.  I asked if she had any pictures.  She pulled out her phone and showed me a photo. “This is Juan,” she said.  “Where’s the other?” I asked.  “Oh,” she said, “they’re identical twins.  If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

I guess I should tell you about the dead man in the hall.  I live in a 24-unit condo building, and I was walking to my unit when I noticed a man lying in front of his door.  I shook him and tried to get a response from him, but he was cold.  I called 911 and the EMTs came and worked for thirty minutes, to no avail.  As you can imagine, it was distressing.  I’m telling you now mainly to express my absolute awe and respect for the Fire Department EMTs.  They were focused, fast and dedicated to doing everything possible to help this man.  Thank goodness we have them.

Did you watch Mayweather vs McGregor?  That was the Pay-Per-View extravaganza between a 40-year-old boxer and a cage fighter that raised around $700 million dollars in revenue.  If people would pay that much money to see an old fighter boxing for the last time and a wrestler boxing for the first time, just think what they’d pay for a no-holds-barred screaming match between Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell?  We could pay off the National Debt!  Or how about charging $1 just to read his tweets every day?  We don’t need taxes, we need showmanship!  Is P. T. Barnum still alive?

I went to Dr. Skin this week, and as I sat in the examination room, I realized I had forgotten to drink a lot of water.  Dr. Skin often takes blood to make sure the medicine isn’t affecting my liver or something and I have learned that it makes it easier to find a vein if I have drunk a lot of water.  I looked around for a cup.  I looked on the counter and in the cabinets and finally found a stack of plastic cups.  I picked one off the top and read the following: “For Urine Samples”.  Well there wasn’t any alternative and, what the hell, in one end and out the other.  I drank three cups full.  She didn’t take blood.

Here are the Summer songs:

Summertime – Porgy and Bess  (1935)

Summertime Blues – Eddie Cochran  (1958)

Summer in the City – Lovin Spoonful  (1966)

Boys of Summer – Don Henley  (1984)

I’m tired now, so I think I’ll take a nap.  Maybe I’ll dream about that tuba.  See you next week.  Stay well.

Michael                                             Send comments to:  mfox1746@gmail.com