Blog #452                                November 6, 2025

 

I have come up with an interesting collection of observations.  I’m sure it won’t rival The Theory of Evolution, but interesting nonetheless.  I have discovered a crucial and fundamental dichotomy – inside/outside.  For instance, if a creature, perhaps a spider, is outside, it is one of Nature’s creations, to be respected and allowed to exist with dignity and honor.  If it’s inside, it’s a pest and needs to be squashed.  And snow – if it’s outside, it is sparkling and thrilling and beautiful.  If it’s inside, you need a new roof.  And what about the human body?  If it’s inside it’s mucus; if it’s outside it’s snot.  If it’s inside it’s urine; if it’s outside it’s piss.  If it’s inside it’s part of the natural human processes; if it’s outside it’s Yuck.  And spiders, God?  Seriously?

 

We have two sinks in our bathroom, and when we moved in, after some weeks of intensive study and energetic debate, we decided that Carol should have one and I should have one.  Each is of pearly white porcelain.  I have noticed however that mine is sometimes marked with little black pieces of something or other.  Here’s what I think is the cause.  Carol likes her sink to be clean, so whenever she has to use eye-liner or eye-shadow or whatever eye-schmutz she uses, she moves over to my sink and gets it dirty instead of hers.  Her sink is as white and brilliant as Beyoncé’s teeth, whereas mine looks like the mephitic nesting place of a family of Canadian geese.   It’s fine; her eyes look great.

 

As you’ve probably guessed, the Weekly Word is mephitic.  Mephitic means foul smelling and noxious.  Now you know.  Don’t forget.

 

Hi there.  Welcome back.  I hope you are feeling well and that you had a nice Halloween.  Halloween reminds me of costumes, which reminds me of a whole long story which leads back to the topic of women and makeup and sinks and mirrors.  It starts with a story about a costume (that’s the Halloween segue).

 

It was Purim, a kind of Jewish Halloween, and Austin, my five-year-old grandson, and I were parked in front of his Temple Pre-School waiting for one of the teachers to get him from the car.  We were early.  This, to those of you who know me well, is not a surprise.  I am always early.  Punctuality is the Politeness of Kings.  That was actually the quip under my picture in the High School Yearbook.  Can you believe that?  After three years, they did not have one nice thing to say about me except, “Ya, well, the bastard was on time.”  But am I bitter after 62 years?  Does a bear hibernate?  

 

Ok, back to the car with my grandson.  We were playing a game as we waited.  He was a Jedi and was using a soda straw as his light saber to slice up the evil Darth Vader (that was me).  I put a small, round, orange sticker on my nose to show where he wounded me and I howled in mock pain.  Great fun.  Then I heard someone at the door ready to collect Austin and take him into school.  I turned to my left to press the unlock button, when I heard Austin yell, “You’re a pig!”  Oh my god, I could not believe how rude he had been, calling the teacher a pig.  How was I going to apologize?  I screwed up my courage and turned to face the offended teacher.  She was wearing a pig costume for Purim and was hugging Austin who was laughing.  Whew!

 

From there, I went to the cable company to talk about my bill, Walmart to buy some things, the Post Office to mail a package and the bookstore to browse.  I bought a small book and, as I was checking out, the clerk said, “You know, sir, you have a sticker on your nose?”  I had forgotten.  I’m sure you had forgotten as well.  I presume that the previous three people with whom I had had close dealings did not think it odd for an old man to be wearing an orange dot on his nose. Or perhaps they thought I was a Hindu woman with bad aim.  Was I mortified?  Not a bit.

 

The reason I brought this up was because at dinner the other night, I saw Carol examining her face in the reflection on a butter knife.  Yes, a butter knife!  Who does that?  A butter knife!  You see, a woman never goes more than two minutes without examining her reflection in a wall mirror, compact, rear-view mirror, puddle, store window or, failing any of those, the nearby cutlery.  It is unimaginable that a woman could visit four stores not knowing that there was an orange sticker on her nose.  Or that she was wearing one brown shoe and one black shoe.  I confess to that one too.  Well, it was dark that morning.

 

Last Friday, I met a friend for “coffee” at McDonald’s.  I meet with him about once a month, and I look forward to these meetings.  We talk about politics and mutual friends and health insurance and life and also death.  He mentioned that a local synagogue had a special on cemetery plots -- two for the price of one.  The immediate and only thought that rushed into my head was – there must be a limerick there somewhere.  Over the next 24 hours, I dug and shoveled and excavated and finally found it.  Here it is:

 

We bought plots for Carol and me

And did it as cheap as could be

We saved lots of dough

By using BOGO

That’s BURY-ONE-GET-ONE for free.

 

Message from Shakespeare, the three-legged cat:  The evil that men do lives after them; the good is oft interred with their bones (Julius Caesar.)  What about me, Pops?  I know I have nine lives, but when they’re all done, I want to be right there shnuggled up next to you.  I don’t take up much room.  You can fit me in a shoebox and we can be next to each other forever.  Purr.

 

Ok, Shakespeare, I won’t forget you.  And I won’t forget you all either.  I’ll be right back here next week.  If you’re not here, you’ll miss me.  Stay warm, stay well and count your blessings.

 

Michael                          Send comments to mfox1746@gmail.com