Blog #25
Last Thursday morning at
10:43, my blog-host sent out my blog by email.
The last line said “there is nothing better than a good friend, except a
good friend with chocolate.” At 11:30, I
met my friend Paul for lunch, and there on the table was a big chocolate bar. I
was almost teary. What a nice,
thoughtful, touching (and speedy) gesture that was. I’m still touched by it. Thank you, Paul. That was special!
I hope you’re doing well. Have you taken inventory yet this
morning? Each morning as I stand at the
sink, I review my various aches, pains, traumas and conditions. It passes the time. Let’s see – my throat feels ok, my back’s a
little worse, my eye still hurts, but that sore in my mouth is getting better.
The pain in my knee is a 6 today;
that’s not too bad. I think I should
take my blood-pressure. This inventory
process takes a few minutes, after which I have three choices: go back to bed, call a doctor or carry on.
The last time I was feeling
poorly, I visited Dr. Intern. He said I
was perfect. Then I went to Dr.
Heart. He said I was perfect. I tried Dr. Lung and he agreed –
Perfect! Where did these people go to
medical school? Don’t they know I’m
sick? On the other hand, when I’m
feeling great, like today, they find something wrong. Oh, your calcium is high or your blood count
is low. Your brain is too tight or your
pants are too loose. Let’s add two new
pills and cut this pill in half. It’s
like cooking – we add some salt and only use half as many onions and see how it
tastes. Sometimes I think they treat my
body like it’s a casserole.
If suddenly you’re feeling crummy
Put parsley and sage in your tummy
Rub salt on your glands
And thyme on your hands
You’ll die, but at least you’ll taste
yummy.
If you are my age, or
thereabouts, and have grandchildren, I’ll bet this happens to you. We go to babysit for a few days while the
parents go on a short vacation. We get
instructions – the school bus arrives at 7:38, put out the recyclables on Wednesday,
Zoey has a piano practice Tuesday night, Austin has baseball games Saturday
and Sunday, there’s baba ganoush in the fridge. What? I
always thought baba ganoush was a weapon of mass destruction. But, ok fine, we’ve got it. Then they ask if we have any questions and we
always have the same one: “How do you turn the television on?” Am I right? When did we lose control of the thing we used
to call “television”? Now it’s not even
called that. It’s cable or multi-media
or smart-TV. And not only are the TVs
smart, but there are smart phones, smart cars, smart houses, even smart
toilets. Every time I get near something
that’s “smart”, I feel dumb. When did the world pass me by? And which clicker do I use to change the
channel?
Are you challenged, like me,
with all these smart devices designed to confuse anyone who still remembers Señor Wences? I have Siri and Alexa, but what do they know?
I just picked up my iPhone and said, “Siri,
S'aright?" She replied, “I aim to please.” She’s too young for me.
Tuesday was the event of the
month, Senior Day at Walgreen’s. It was
a bright and festive gathering, with crowds of giddy seniors limping in the
aisles and toasting their cardiologists with glasses of Ensure. The special of the month was a weight-loss
treatment called Bystrictin. It is
risk-free (they’re all risk-free) and proven (sure). Trust me, my friends, if the product says it
is “risk-free” and “proven”, stay away from it like it was sarin gas. Believe it or not, you drink this Bystrictin,
whereupon it expands to 50 times its volume in your stomach, taking up all the
room so that you cannot eat as much.
Please tell me there is not a person so gullible as to buy some liquid
that is going to explode in his or her stomach.
Oops, sorry! I didn’t know you
used it. You look great.
When we got home from
Walgreen’s, my wife told me I wasn’t exercising enough and gave me her Fitbit
to wear for a day. Everybody has a
Fitbit, apparently, and hustles every day to make it reach 10,000 steps. The next morning I awoke and put it on. I didn’t check it until about 8:30 that
night. It said 14, so I took it off and
threw it in the clothes drier for about 90 minutes and gave it back to
Carol. She seemed pleased.
A mile has 5,280 feet. My strides are not as long as they once were,
and I estimate each step to be about two feet.
So, if my math is correct – hold it, my math is always correct. I was
a Math Major at Washington University in St. Louis and a math teacher at both
the high-school and Junior College level.
Not to mention the County Prison.
So what’s with this “if my math is correct” business? Anyway, 5,280 feet divided by two feet per
step means I can walk a mile in 2,640 steps.
Round that to 2,500 steps in a mile and I need to walk four miles a day
to get to my 10,000. The problem is, if
I do my four miles every day for a week, I’ll be 28 miles from home. You were waiting for that one, weren’t you?
Actually, last Sunday I
strapped on my tennies and walked a mile on the main street near our house. It felt good; my back held up just fine. But I was appalled by all the trash and
litter on the side of the road and in the bushes and trees. It was horrible. Each fast-food carton or beer can was an
insult to nature and to me. How can
people litter like that? So today I took
the same walk, but this time I was prepared.
I had trash bags, plastic gloves and two grandchildren (ages 9 and 7). We picked up every tin can and squashed water
bottle, every straw and napkin. Plus, we
got in a nice walk and had a great time.
They want to do it again tomorrow.
You’ve heard of trash-talking?
Well this was trash-walking.
You should try it – your grandchildren will love it, and so will the
environment.
Do you remember when Al Gore
sold his cable network to Aljazeera America?
That was in 2013. The Middle
Eastern network didn’t do well in America and closed last year. No wonder, if you look at the programs it
offered:
Malcolm in the Middle East Oil In The Family
America’s Got Taliban How I Bought Your Mother
Sonny and Sharia Jimmy Camel --
Live!
I knew you were just craving
another goofy list, so I’ll leave you with that.
Come back next week and stay
well.
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